tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38012956397755082342024-03-13T06:40:36.249-07:00With Pen in HandI fight with words.Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15847251208369054049noreply@blogger.comBlogger118125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3801295639775508234.post-2694055174779917602022-08-09T20:45:00.003-07:002023-01-29T18:13:06.158-08:00Turning the Page<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdiHmvMH1gh_fuDuBHy0ove2BwAw9coYReCZv_MuObMa_hQFuraCpQ9ShxviayVlwt34XPtPXJ9aChP7006uUh_icKt_8hnWD8eizw8ZUrOBXhsovDeq-PX9J8FLD7zOuEvCzmnNewAj8Wbe7D20ZvffNIoYX_NCkmCi7CeWJqM4KT30KugcbHaA4b/s4032/IMG_5724.HEIC" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdiHmvMH1gh_fuDuBHy0ove2BwAw9coYReCZv_MuObMa_hQFuraCpQ9ShxviayVlwt34XPtPXJ9aChP7006uUh_icKt_8hnWD8eizw8ZUrOBXhsovDeq-PX9J8FLD7zOuEvCzmnNewAj8Wbe7D20ZvffNIoYX_NCkmCi7CeWJqM4KT30KugcbHaA4b/s320/IMG_5724.HEIC" width="240" /></a></div><span face=""Segoe UI", sans-serif" style="caret-color: rgb(15, 20, 25); color: #0f1419;"><p><span face=""Segoe UI", sans-serif" style="caret-color: rgb(15, 20, 25); color: #0f1419;"><br /></span></p>“Trauma took away choice. Part of healing from trauma means one must choose whether she/he will love again, care again, and reach for another human being again. Surviving and then telling our story returns that to us.” –Diane Langberg</span><p></p><p><span face=""Segoe UI", sans-serif" style="caret-color: rgb(15, 20, 25); color: #0f1419;">------------</span></p><p> <span face="Calibri, sans-serif">I can’t do it anymore.</span><span face="Calibri, sans-serif"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">I can’t read books about leadership, and spiritual abuse, and the history of fundamentalism in America. At least not for a while…<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">I didn’t finish <i><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Jesus-John-Wayne-Evangelicals-Corrupted/dp/163149905X/ref=sr_1_1?crid=31B5YFUZ2E83H&keywords=jesus+and+john+wayne&qid=1660102274&sprefix=Jesus+and+John+Wayne%2Caps%2C121&sr=8-1" target="_blank">Jesus and John Wayne</a></i>. Had already lived the effects of that book.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">I didn’t finish <i>A<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Church-Called-Tov-Goodness-Promotes/dp/1496446003/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1RDRXYTT1O0W7&keywords=a+church+called+tov&qid=1660102302&sprefix=a+church+called+tov%2Caps%2C104&sr=8-1" target="_blank"> Church Called Tov: Forming a Goodness Culture that Resists Abuses of Power and Promotes Healing</a></i> because when I got to the second half of the book, I got a lump in my throat as this thought popped out: “As if the North American church gives a sh*t about a goodness culture.” That book has stayed closed. (Yep, I never use that language here but there just isn’t another way to say it.)<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">I recently did finish <i><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Lord-My-Courage-Stepping-Through/dp/0310124166/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1AF0RCPA27AXH&keywords=the+lord+is+my+courage&qid=1660102241&sprefix=the+lord+is+my+courage%2Caps%2C120&sr=8-1" target="_blank">The Lord Is My Courage</a></i>. Fabulous book. Underlined a ton. But even that one I had to take a few days away from because of how GOOD she was treated by a few pastors (you read that right—GOOD) after the hell she and her husband had endured in a former church. The kind of goodness, care, and tenderness I’ve seen my own pastor husband bestow on others in ministry spaces. But now these spaces are hard for us to even walk inside as a family. And the sadness came…<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">-------<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><br /><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><span face=""Segoe UI", sans-serif" style="background-color: white;">God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">1 Corinthians 1:27 (NLT)</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><span face=""Segoe UI", sans-serif" style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span face="Segoe UI, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white;">---------</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">I think we’re all pretty aware of the downfall of Harvey Weinstein. Thus, spun the #MeToo movement and the #ChurchToo movement. That's right. It took Hollywood to help reveal the abuse going on in churches!<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">And why? Why did these things spread so quickly? Because finally, someone was giving language to so many who have been powerless and silenced for WAY too long.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">I found myself grieving that I had not stood up to a man who had sexually harassed me at my first job out of college. Making matters worse, the only other woman in the office, whom I had known from another circle of my (Christian) community was defending HIM, not me. I can’t get into specifics because of a NDA. But believe me when I say the man was rich, powerful, and even known in DC. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">I wish I had known then I didn’t have to sign that paperwork. That by doing so I probably just perpetuated the abuse to continue for other women who came after me. Blah. Guilt. (And side note: you better believe I’ve had that talk with my daughters about reporting harassment and assault.)<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">In addition to the topple of Weinstein, you’ve probably also read the stories of countless others who are not out of jobs because those they oppressed were given a voice. Kevin Spacey, Matt Lauer, Charlie Rose, and many more.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">One of the saddest reveals to me was that of Mark Schwahn, creator of my beloved show <i>One Tree Hill</i>. The actresses—Hilarie, Sophia, and Joy—had endured unspeakable harassment and sexualization. They are quiet no more. They are empowered.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">-----------<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">Believe it or not, I heard my first episode of the Drama Queens podcast the week I finally got to visit Wilmington, NC. I walked where these three wounded women walked.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">As they shared memories of filming <i>One Tree Hill</i> in Wilmington, I’m practically yelling, “I just went there” at my computer.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">When the actresses mentioned being able to smell the ice cream and chocolate shop named Kilwin’s a block away, I had to pause the podcast and tell Jeff what they had just said. He and I agreed, “Yes, you can smell the waffles cones from several doors down!” It is delightful. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">Drama Queens is somewhere around 60 episodes now. Part of the podcast is conducting a rewatch of the show and giving behind the scenes information. I’ve listened to every episode. I can’t tell you the joy it has given me to rewatch episodes and then listen to these women give behind the scenes details. They are respectful but truthful. Professional but not afraid to laugh at the foolishness of their younger years.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">There was an innocence and also a darkness that clouded their experiences.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">The cast had been told they were shooting a light-hearted story of a kid from “the wrong side of the tracks.” It was supposed to be narrated by the wise basketball coach at the school in their small town. Instead, they found themselves in a show that decided to compete against The OC, another popular, highly sexualized show released around the same time.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">These women fought. They fought as hard as they could as young actresses in their twenties. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">---------<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">I knew long ago that Bethany Joy Lenz (she goes by “Joy”), who played my favorite character Haley, was a Christian. In fact, as a child, she sang in a production of Psalty the Singing Songbook. You can find the video on YouTube. I admired Joy’s ability to act and yet maintain her values and convictions. Shockingly, Mark Schwahn even mentioned once in an interview that he admired her principles. </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">Still he pushed the lines.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">One of my favorite discoveries is when Sophia Bush points out that she was angry at the producers, etc for making her wear such a short skirt in a particular scene that she told them they would regret that decision the next day when she would be allowed to pick her own clothing for the rest of the scenes. The next scene shows Sophia wearing a turtleneck.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">-----------<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><span face=""Segoe UI", sans-serif" style="background-color: white;">Now choose life, so that you and your children may live. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><span face=""Segoe UI", sans-serif" style="background-color: white;">Deuteronomy 30:19 (NIV)<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><span face=""Segoe UI", sans-serif" style="background-color: white;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><span face=""Segoe UI", sans-serif">A joyful heart helps healing, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><span face=""Segoe UI", sans-serif">Proverbs 17:22 (CEB)</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">--------------</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">One of the most important life lessons I’ve learned is that we have the power, given by the Holy Spirit, to fight back the powers of darkness. It’s found in laughter, and joy, and continually pursuing the things that give us life.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">Books on leadership are not giving me life. Books on how to promote a goodness culture are not giving me life. Books about other pastors who are making it are not giving me life.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">What is giving me life is hearing about, reading about, and witnessing those who were powerless find their voice. Those who were once oppressed, being able to get louder and louder so that they are no longer ignored. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">On Drama Queens, the women are able to laugh. They are able to recall where they found life in the darkest of days.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">In a scene on the second season of <i>One Tree Hill</i>, Hilarie Burton Morgan's character, Peyton, goes to a confessional at a church to ask for forgiveness and help with her desires to turn to drugs for dealing with the pain of disappointment and grief.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">On that episode of the Drama Queens podcast, Sophia and Joy complimented Hilarie on how honest her performance had been. They asked what her inspiration had been. She said that before they shot the scene, she grabbed a hymnal and opened it to the song called, “In the Garden” and placed the open hymnal at her feet for the filming of the scene. She recalled growing up in a Methodist church and how her youth pastor had a profound effect on her life. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">I knew it. This actress had never talked about her faith in any spaces I had found, but I just knew it was a strong foundation for her life. Also, you should have heard me yelling back at the dialogue on the podcast when the other actresses admitted they didn’t know the hymn “In the Garden.” What? Really?<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">-------------</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><br /></p><div><span face="Calibri, sans-serif">You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy.</span></div><div><span face="Calibri, sans-serif">Psalm 30:11</span></div><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p>--------------</o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p><br /></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">Hilarie now lives on a farm with her actor husband Jeffrey Dean Morgan in the small town of Rhinebeck, NY. She still acts. But now she also writes, hosts Drama Queens, and produces a show called “It Couldn’t Happen Here,” a crime documentary series set in small towns. She sits with people who have lost loved ones to unspeakable crimes.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">Hilarie’s first book is a memoir titled <i>The Rural Diaries</i>. At her request, I ordered it from the independent bookstore in Rhinebeck. The book has been sitting on my shelf for a long time.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">I picked it up this week, and it is giving me LIFE. As a result, I decided to write tonight. To find my own voice and to believe that I, too, can fight back the darkness with joy. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">In fact, that’s how I got myself back to church after some hurtful events. I laughed at the ignorance of those who hurt us and decided their foolishness and lack of understanding about who I am/we are (if they ever even TRIED to understand in the first place!) can’t keep me from being in a place that gives me life.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">So, I’m going to keep reading, writing, and, of course, talking back to the dialogue on the podcast. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><span face="Calibri, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;">Last, but not least read <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2022/01/21/style/one-tree-hill-drama-queens.html" target="_blank">THIS ARTICLE</a>. Trust me.</span><div><div><span class="indent-1" face="system-ui, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Noto Sans", sans-serif, Arial" style="font-size: 16px;"></span></div></div>Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15847251208369054049noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3801295639775508234.post-22629625954162508542020-09-08T12:19:00.002-07:002020-09-08T14:09:25.711-07:00Identity Crisis<p><span face="">The whole moving to Kansas things got started with a Facebook discussion on noodling. I made a (joking) comment about it having something to do with pasta. (It has nothing to do with pasta! Google it.)</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">A few minutes later, I received a private message from a children’s pastor who was an acquaintance at the time through my job. She mentioned that her church in Overland Park was looking for a couple of pastors and wanted to know if Jeff might be interested in one of the positions. They specifically wanted someone who was just out of seminary or about to finish. This fit Jeff perfectly at the time. (He was 17 credits away from graduating from Denver Seminary.)<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">So, we got in touch with a main contact given to us. Jeff shared with her that we were focused on church planting specifically. What we heard is that the church wanted someone to come be on staff for a year to lead the small groups. But that the plan was for this individual (well, both individuals they were hiring) to church plant soon and they would raise the team for the plant and give them the funds to plant. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">I was unsure. I mean…moving to Kansas? Meh, maybe. I do like the Midwest and had visited KC several times while in college in Omaha. We played sports against a Bible college on the KCMO side. (That’s Kansas City, Missouri. The other is KCK, and it stands for Kansas City, Kansas. I learned quickly when I moved there! Ha.)<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">We shared the information about the opportunity with our then pastor (now our Bishop). He was excited for us and said, “When an opportunity like this comes up, you go!”<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">Strangely, other trusted individuals in our church and circles were coming up to us saying the same word: “Go!” I would ask them if they were talking to each other. They said they hadn’t and that this is what they heard when they prayed for us. I, too, heard “Go” while lying in bed one night.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">So we prepared to do that—to GO.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">We flew to Overland Park for interviews and meetings. Jeff shared many emails and phone calls with the person hiring him from the church (who would be his boss). She seemed to have a jovial spirit. I admired her leadership as a woman in the church.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">Jeff was offered the job, and we put our house up for rent. We loaded a truck. Then pulled a trailer on the back of that truck because we ran out of room on the truck. (Underestimated the size due to how many books we have!)<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">And off we set, going east on I-70. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">Just inside the KS border, Kyla said, “I don’t see anything. You said the place would have buildings." Hahaha! I assured her it would and held my breath we wouldn’t break down. Have you ever been on I-70? There’s barely anything there!<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">About halfway through KS, I got a call from Jeff. He was very upset. Our contact at the church blew up at him over the phone because we left CO late and wouldn’t make it to the service on time early the next morning. I guess she had arranged to introduce us and the other couple coming on board(?)<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">There was nothing we could do at this point. But my heart sank. What in the world was going on?<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">****<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">We got to town too late to check into our townhouse. The property management office was closed so Jeff’s boss got us a hotel room. She said she would come by in between services the next morning to pay our room bill for us. We waited and waited. Finally, we paid it ourselves and drove over to the townhouse.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">As many ministry jobs do, this one started off well. There were many, many kind people in our new church! I liked so many people on Jeff’s direct ministry team. They set to work getting Jeff enrolled in classes (as they said they would help him find a way to finish seminary even though we weren’t near Denver Seminary anymore).<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">But about a month in, I opened the bulletin and a 20/20 Vision brochure fell out. (Be honest…how many churches had those in the last decade? How are they going now? is the question. Hooray for 2020!)<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">We had received one of these brochures when we visited prior to accepting the job. But this one was different. The goal of “Church Planting” had been removed.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">This concerned me, and I pointed it out to Jeff. We tried not to let us get too upset.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">Unfortunately, it was just the beginning of some really confusing and hard events. For us and for the church too.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">****<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">Jeff was ordained to diaconate (became a deacon—a step in the process of becoming a priest) in early October of that year. We had been in KS for about six weeks. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">I hadn’t met the wife of the other new pastor. Our understanding based on what we’d been told was that we would be planting with them and I wanted to get to know her. I approached her with just a little bit more enthusiasm than I would just a parishioner because “we were in this thing together!” right?<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">Uh. No. Don’t think so. She looked at me like I was nuts. She didn’t seem to have the same understanding I did. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">I sat down a couple seats over and thought. WHAT.IS.HAPPENING?<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">A few weeks after that, Jeff’s boss went MIA. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">Only a couple people knew where she was. I understand totally that she needed a break. I think she was dealing with some personal things. I’m wasn’t necessarily upset with her. But I was baffled that no one stepped in to help Jeff or the other new pastor. They were left on their own to figure out what they should be doing and neither of them knew too many people in the church at the point. Confusion set in.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">Another month went by and we heard rumblings about some problems within the whole denomination. Jeff asked what it was and the answer he was given was odd. It didn’t seem like the kind of issues that would upset this many people so much.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">Jeff’s boss returned. We went to CO for Thanksgiving. Jeff met with our previous pastor and found out the real reason for the rumblings. I’m sure the answer he had been given in KS was just to keep people from being too upset, especially if it all turned out to be nothing. The original answer wasn’t really a lie. More like a very, VERY small piece of the BIG part.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">(Please know that in leadership, sometimes you give small answers, as a parent does for a child. It’s part of shepherding and I get that.)<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">But then, there it was in the first part of December. The denomination was splitting. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">It was disheartening. And it brought up a ton of questions for clergy. In Anglican world, it’s proper to remain tied to the Church of England. A person breaking off was making that hard to impossible. It caused a crisis for many clergy.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">And it certainly caused that for the leadership and Bishop we were under at that time. The Bishop went back and forth about who to follow and how in the larger Anglican world. This unsettling lasted for a couple of months. And when a decision was made, it became obvious that the church was on a different path than we were for how to remain Anglican. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">I will say this a million times. It wasn’t a them vs. us thing. It was “they feel called here and we feel called there.” Prior to the main leader splitting from the umbrella that held us all, it wasn’t a problem. Now it was.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">We prayed for clear answers as Winter turned into Spring. Lent happened.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">And some other things were becoming obvious to me. I was invited to a “soul healing” group. I went to one of the members for prayer (about personal stuff, not the church stuff). And the whole time I was being prayed over, I actually felt as if I was being oppressed, like something was on my chest, trying to squeeze the life out of me. Jeff was there for the session, just observing. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">When I got to the car, I was crying SO hard and told him, “I am NEVER DOING THAT AGAIN. SOMETHING WAS WRONG.” I later found out a group of people from the church were following the ministry of Andrew Wommack (actually based in Colorado). That made sense to me!! I don’t even know what to say about that man. I’ve pulled up his website and *shudders*…there is something not right there. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">So…there was that group operating. (And I believe they weren’t out to hurt anyone. Lovely people. They were simply operating with what they had been taught and told by that outside uh….voice…?)<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">Another dynamic was that another clergy member had gotten their degree from a non-Anglican seminary. One that was focused on one specific denomination. I don’t think one HAS to go to an Anglican seminary. (Den Sem isn’t one….) But some of what they said and preached reminded me of the legalism I had experienced as a child. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">I remember one teaching vividly…. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">It started off in the morning. We are (still to this day!) really good friends with a couple we met right after we arrived. We clicked immediately. (So much so that we are thinking of getting a plot of land to all retire on together. Kidding…well, maybe!! <span style="font-family: Wingdings;"></span>)<br /><br />The husband had been in the morning service. I often sat in the coffee shop area during the morning services and then listened and attended the evening service. There were various reasons for this, but it helped me be available for Jeff, my kids, and people in the church who simply need a listening ear if I sat in one place in the hustle and bustle of the morning.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">Jeff had sat down next to me for a few minutes in between running around and got a text from our friend. It said, “Has Becca heard the sermon yet?” Jeff told him I would hear it in the evening. He said, “Ok….let me know what she thinks.”<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"> I forget the sermon topic that day but it was during Lent so it was on sins and confession and repenting and all that goodness. (I actually have an appreciation for confession. Have taught a whole class on it.) This evening it was straight up law and shame. The teacher said, “If you aren’t turning off your television to go out and witness to your neighbors, then you don’t really love Jesus!!”<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">OH. OHHHHHH. NO, SIR. I put my hands into a fist and my entire body tightened. I couldn’t stand for the final worship song. Anything after that line was a blur. When we were dismissed, I ran….RAN to our Ford Explorer. Jeff grabbed the girls and ran after me. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">We got in the car. I distinctly remember waiting until all the doors were shut and I effing lost it.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">Like screaming, crying, F words, S words, hitting the steering wheel. The girls started to cry. I couldn’t help the tirade. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">Why does nearly every church I go to do this to people in the name of Jesus!?!?<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">(The only church that hasn’t done that from the pulpit has been International Anglican <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">Church. Oh, there have been individuals there in the 15 years. But the teaching and leadership speak of grace, goodness, and love. They don’t skirt sin. But they don’t use it to bash either. It’s spoken of in the appropriate terms and in the appropriate tone. But I digress…..)<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">We stopped at Taco Bell because there was no way I was going to cook dinner once I got home that evening. Our friend texted us, “How is Becca?” Jeff texted back, “Well, currently crying and cussing.”<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">And that kind of describes the rest of our time there. I calmed down, of course. But it was hard to shake all of what had happened at this point. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">After Easter, Jeff talked with a main pastor about his options. The pastor shared that he desired Jeff to stay on staff, if possible. He acknowledged Jeff’s gifts in leadership and preaching. Jeff asked about the whole church planting thing. The pastor didn’t know what we had been told prior to being hired, that it had been emphasized to us so much. He said he didn’t know when the plant would happen and that a portion of the church wasn’t in favor at the point so that’s why it was removed from the literature. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">There was a lot of miscommunication mixed with the denomination mess. In the end, we decided to depart back to Colorado Springs.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">I am now nine years removed from that situation. I can honestly say that I still believe that God sent us there. I would embrace any individual from that church, and I have forgiven those who hurt us. I also believe the hurt wasn’t intentional. It was a product of a crisis and a lack of identity when some strings were pulled apart there. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">I still cheer for this church from afar. They did eventually church plant, about six years later. We know the pastor of the plant and he’s great. I was especially grateful for his wife. She was so kind to me and our family when we were in KS.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">Additionally, I could see from afar that a change was made to right what had been wrong in the miscommunication we received on the front end of moving there. It was a subtle change. But to me it spoke of humility and a desire of that community to move forward in a new and different way.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">For me, nine years later and several churches later, I’ll take it. And I thank God for the opportunity of Overland Park. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;">(I tried to intentionally be vague on people and names. I have no desire to hurt any individuals or churches with this post. And know that I wrote it from my perspective of the events. Some details are hazy nine years later...!)</p>Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15847251208369054049noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3801295639775508234.post-62320493607838620942019-04-10T09:18:00.003-07:002019-04-10T09:18:47.754-07:00Stalking, Computer Tossing, and Credit Cards for Jesus (Part 2)<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
(Note: Part 1 can be found <a href="http://beccawithpeninhand.blogspot.com/2019/04/stalking-computer-tossing-and-credit.html" target="_blank">here</a>.)</div>
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We got married on a perfect December day. <o:p></o:p></div>
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As newly married people are, we were still optimistic about life and ministry. We were a little confused when I found out I was pregnant with Kyla less than two months into marriage. Surprise! We had found our way into a married student apartment on campus but had to leave soon because they don’t allow babies in the dorms. Jeff left the YMCA job, did some painting in between, and pursued a youth ministry position in a small town not far from Omaha.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We were familiar with this church and things were looking up.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Once again, we were offered a salary and benefits—such a good thing when you have a young family.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We moved into a small apartment in a typical Nebraska town with the Dairy Queen and Pizza Hut on the main drag. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Jeff started his new job. On his first day, he was shown a list of people in the town to never speak to on condition of his employment. Apparently, there had been a church split we didn’t know about and wounds were still fresh. He came home kind of scratching his head about the list but whatever, I guess. I felt a little concerned because we didn’t know anyone in town. How would we know if we violated the list? I suppose we could always explain it was an accident……? I hoped….<o:p></o:p></div>
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By this time, we were both done with our Bible degrees. We thought we knew it all. (Haha!) It was not a joke at the time. But looking back, I can see some of the mistakes we made. I mean, we were taught that youth workers knew more than the parents. So, therefore, that’s the attitude we went in, neigh…JUMPED in with. We quickly—and I mean after one parent meeting—found out that this was perhaps not the best thing we learned in Bible college.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But things leveled out. In fact they went great! So great that the youth group doubled. We had parent volunteers begging to host small groups in their homes upon hearing how kids were clamoring to show up each week. Jeff started a discipleship group in our apartment. Kids were hungry to follow Jesus! It was exciting.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We also took a charter bus of the kids from eastern Nebraska all the way to a winter retreat in Colorado. Many had never been outside of the Nebraska, Iowa, South Dakota triangular area. There was genuine desire to connect with God that weekend. Jeff also took a group of kids skiing while we were there. As you can imagine, so many had never even seen skis. I prayed that entire day that no one would break a leg. They all came back in one piece. Only incident that weekend? A cut toe from a kid jumping from the deck into snow in nothing but swim trunks. He had been in the hot tub moments prior. Kids…..sigh.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We came home from that trip on a high. Kids remained in the groups. Our adult volunteers were growing in all ways too.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We had been given a small budget that was tapped out by this time because of the growth. The kids had paid their own way on the retreat. But there was still a long way to go re: ministry that year. Many months to fill. At one point I calculated that we had $.80 per kid in the youth group for the rest of the year. Jeff couldn’t really even take kids to DQ for ice cream on that kind of money. To keep the momentum and simply have the basics we needed for teaching and leading, Jeff and I started using our personal credit cards to pay for things. We needed resources for ministry. We had none. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I was volunteering my own time to do monthly newsletters. It was rough on our marriage, especially the one time I used the wrong, outdated address labels. (Oopsie….) And Jeff was told to never turn off his cell phone. There was no excuse to not be available 24/7. Jeff started to experience health issues from the stress. They felt like our families and kids to shepherd. We cared about them. But it was getting harder to sustain our current pace in many ways.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Because we cared about the youth group, Jeff sought to fight for them when the budget requests time came. He requested an admin for a few hours a week to do things like newsletters. Denied. He asked for more money for youth ministry in general. The entire church and community had noticed the growth. Still, the board said no.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The main reason? Kids and teens don’t generate revenue. The bulk of the money would go to media equipment in the main sanctuary. (Even though, that was where the bulk of the money went the previous year and there was already quite a set up going on in there.)<o:p></o:p></div>
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It was exhausting. We were tired. We didn’t see a way forward. And Jeff was beginning to wonder if pastoral work was his calling after all. We couldn’t live being ON 24/7. The doctor suggested he quit so he didn’t have a heart attack by the age of 35. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Jeff decided to give it one more attempt to talk with the head of the elders to see if somehow we could get more support in ministry.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Final words: “Until you can prove to me how children and youth generate revenue, you can’t have another dime.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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Jeff came home. Walked to our calendar and circled a date for us to move to Colorado. He had been thinking of pursuing a Masters in Counseling. Being in church ministry was too hard. <o:p></o:p></div>
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It was 2004, and we were done. <o:p></o:p></div>
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A couple weeks before we left town, we got a strange phone call. It was an elder from the Baptist church telling us that Brother S had stolen money from the church. He shredded documents and threw the computer out the window. The church had no record of Jeff’s previous employment and they were trying to piece together old paperwork. <o:p></o:p></div>
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The elder said, “We’re sorry, Jeff. We should have listened to you. You were right.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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I had always wondered what happened after we left that church and what happened to Brother S. I had still been concerned about his stalking, especially after we had Kyla. In fact, one day I went to our bank in Omaha and the teller I interacted with attended the Baptist church. I hid Kyla from the woman by tucking the baby carrier under the counter. I waited until she was distracted before I ran for the door.<o:p></o:p></div>
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While living in the small town, we had also still been receiving paper newsletters from the Baptist church. I wondered, <i>How did he find us? </i>It was several addresses later after all and more than two years later. I was convinced he was sending us a sign that he was “watching” us. I even kept an eye out for his unique truck. I do know the police were involved after his lovely tirade at the church. But I never heard if he went to jail.<o:p></o:p></div>
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At this point, we were even more ready for a new start. Stalking, computer tossing, and credit card use for Jesus would be over. And maybe Jeff could live beyond his mid-30s! We planned to never go back into pastoral ministry again.<o:p></o:p></div>
Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15847251208369054049noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3801295639775508234.post-28086851905642556642019-04-08T19:24:00.000-07:002019-04-08T19:24:03.343-07:00Stalking, Computer Tossing, and Credit Cards for Jesus (Part 1)<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
The page on the job board promised a salary and a parsonage. It was a Baptist church not far away. We were engaged toward the end of college, and it seemed like a responsible thing to do—have a salary and home as part of the deal.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We met with the pastor—Brother S—for Jeff to talk with him about the youth ministry position. He was gregarious. Boisterous. Larger than life with his toothy grin. We could see the house across the street with the big, beautiful yard for barbeques with friends. It seemed like the right thing. It seemed like the right place. Before we headed off, the pastor opened his wallet and handed us some cash, telling us to go and get some dinner. Poor students. We were impressed by his generosity and headed off to find ourselves some Fazoli’s while we talked and dreamed of our future.<o:p></o:p></div>
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This was only the beginning. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Oh that big, beautiful yard. What a headache. And the headache had a name. It was Larry. Larry was the groundskeeper of the church. He liked the lawn mowed a specific way and was also on Jeff for the smallest things. Sometimes we didn’t answer the door. That did not stop him from coming around the house poking around for something to add to his list of complaints. We quickly learned—no parsonage again. Ever.<o:p></o:p></div>
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And then there were the frequent drives to the electronics store. Brother S would recruit Jeff to help him in pick up random equipment. Expensive equipment. On the way, Brother S would stop across the street from random parishioner’s houses. He said he “just wanted to check on them.” But Jeff said it always felt weird. Like spying on them. Or stalking.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Brother S liked being in charge. He liked joking around with people in order to disarm them. Back then, he just seemed like a fun guy. But there were other little signs. Like the night his daughter ran over to the parsonage, screaming for help (they lived directly next to the church) and when we walked over with her, he grabbed her by the hair, yanked her in the house, and shut the door in our faces.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We were only 21. All we had known is that it’s not right to question our elders and so we didn’t, at least not on that occasion. Shook our heads and walked back home. But I will never forget that night. The horrified look on his daughter’s face. <o:p></o:p></div>
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On another occasion, I was working evening VBS. Jeff was deathly sick (I ended up taking him to the ER that night). Brother S didn’t like that I brushed off a direct command he gave me in the sanctuary at the end of the evening. I don’t remember what it was but the way he addressed me was disrespectful and I wanted to leave to check on Jeff. I put both of my hands into a fist and walked out of the church. He bellowed, “Rebecca, don’t you dare walk away from me!” <o:p></o:p></div>
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But I did. Looking back I’m proud of myself for leaving the building that night.<o:p></o:p></div>
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A few weeks later we got a call from our good friend who worked for the church. She had gone out of town and suddenly realized she couldn’t come back to the church. Not ever. She had been conned. Manipulated into activity she didn’t know was wrong. Until she was out of his grip. Away from his control over her.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Immediately, Jeff realized he could not stay either. If they stayed they might look like accomplices to suspicious endeavors led by Brother S. Jeff wrote a long, detailed letter to the elder board—a group of men the pastor had in his pocket OF COURSE. <o:p></o:p></div>
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The elders denied all claims, refused to look into the accusations. Instead, Jeff had to quit. We were months away from our wedding. The only work Jeff could find was 10 hours a week at the YMCA. (I had to change jobs too during this time due to harassment in my workplace.) Jeff moved into an apartment with friends. They would see Brother S’s truck drive by frequently. It was unsettling. The month we got married, we were literally living on ramen noodles. We bought a giant case of them from the store. <o:p></o:p></div>
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No salary. No home with a beautiful yard. No idea what we would do next. <o:p></o:p></div>
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But I was proud of Jeff for standing up for the right thing. Also, I was a little scared of Brother Stan. <o:p></o:p></div>
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And he would briefly find his way back into our lives, a couple years later…….<o:p></o:p></div>
Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15847251208369054049noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3801295639775508234.post-67981133556183482302016-06-24T20:42:00.000-07:002016-06-24T21:08:51.816-07:00Three Favorite Things (June 2016 Edition)<style>
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Life is well….life. It’s messy and tiring and I’m tired with
it. (Someone literally said to me tonight, “How are you? Are you okay? You look
so tired!” So…yeah, tired confirmed. Not just in my head anymore. It’s also on
my face.) </div>
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I haven’t written on the blog in a while because there have
been some huge shifts in my life the last couple of years that I don’t feel
free to share here. I’ve taken to journaling again and that helps satisfy my
processing-by-writing desires a bit. I do often think of this space though, and
how I miss it. For now, for today, I thought I would offer a few favorite
things that connect to where I’m at, my passions that I still get glimpses of on
some days, and tangible things that are just generally saving my life in the
mess and tired.</div>
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Here we go…</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Podcasts</b></div>
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As of last December, I’ve really gotten into podcasts.
Specifically, I’m loving (LOVING) <a href="http://jamieivey.com/" target="_blank">The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey</a>. When I
discovered this podcast eight(ish) months ago, I binged all the back episodes. Now
I never miss a new one. I get so excited for Wednesdays when new episodes are
released (and then so sad after I’ve listened and it's over). Thankfully, every other week
Jamie also releases a Happy Half Hour that adds an extra discussion into the
mix.</div>
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Why is it so great? It helps me feel less alone—especially as a
mom. Jamie features a variety of guests and it really feels like sitting at a
Happy Hour with friends. The host asks great questions and I am able to keep
listening even to guests I’ve heard in other places that I had a hard time
hearing. </div>
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Specifically, this week <a href="http://jamieivey.com/happy-hour-94-alexandra-kuykendall" target="_blank">she interviewed Alexandra Kuykendall</a>,
who is from Denver (apparently she’s distantly related to someone who married
into our family). I just recently started following Alex’s books and writing within the last year. I appreciated her words about having a family where children
are spanned out a bit. She has a span from 13 years old to 4 years old. Our
family has a similar span. She expressed how there are simply
things they can’t do as a family because of the age gaps, for example family
bike riding. This helped me so much because I think I had a lot of ideas about
things I would do with my family like camping or family bowling nights but we
can’t. (Yes, I do know people take babies camping. We tried it with Kyla when
she was a baby. Yeah. No.) Now I know it’s okay to accept these things. I don’t
have to live up to these ideals I set literally back when I was growing up. There
is a process to letting it go, but her words helped me knows it’s possible to accept that reality and move on to what we can do and who we actually
are as a family.</div>
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Other Podcasts I’ve enjoyed:</div>
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<a href="http://shaneblackshear.com/" target="_blank">Seminary Dropout (Shane Blackshear)</a></div>
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<a href="http://robbell.podbean.com/" target="_blank">The RobCast (Rob Bell)</a></div>
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<a href="http://www.sortaawesomeshow.com/" target="_blank">Sorta Awesome</a></div>
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<a href="http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A86.J76x_G1XulAACQAnnIlQ;_ylu=X3oDMTEybmFnODFxBGNvbG8DZ3ExBHBvcwMxBHZ0aWQDQjIxNzFfMQRzZWMDc3I-/RV=2/RE=1466854707/RO=10/RU=http%3a%2f%2fwww.jacquewatkins.com%2fthepodcast%2f/RK=0/RS=LBD2BLpCebUFhpN5b3IiSHCKC5s-" target="_blank">Mud Stories</a></div>
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<a href="http://unexpected.org/category/podcast/" target="_blank">Lighten Up</a></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">TV</b></div>
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My most recent binge (thanks to original shows on Netflix)? <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3520702/?ref_=nv_sr_1" target="_blank">Bloodline</a>.
It’s so painful to watch. And so, so good. First of all, let me say that if you’re
a Friday Night Lights fan, John Rayburn (played by actor Kyle Chandler) is no
Coach Taylor and it’s so hard to see. It hurts me. The Rayburn family is messed
up with a capital M. But, rather than accept it and change, they feel a need to protect
the family name and continue making messes. There are some serious moral issues
that come up with these people and I find myself cheering for them to get away
with major crimes. I know, I probably need help, but you watch it and see for
yourself the wrestling that goes on. The writing is good. Twists and details
that pull you back to earlier scenes you didn’t realize were key. I’m kind of
intrigued with the setting of the show as well—the Florida Keys. It adds to how
eerie the whole drama is. Created by the Kessler brothers. We also (painfully)
enjoyed watching <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0914387/?ref_=nv_sr_1" target="_blank">Damages</a> starring Glenn Close produced by the same brothers.</div>
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Other shows worth binging on Netflix:</div>
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Fuller House (I loved every minute of it.)</div>
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Daredevil</div>
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Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (Season 2—who didn’t love Tina Fey
as a therapist by day who needed to call an Uber to rescue her by night?)</div>
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Broadchurch (BBC, why don’t you just rip out my mama-heart?)</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Books</b></div>
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A few years ago, I stumbled on a featured columnist on
<a href="http://www.mcsweeneys.net/" target="_blank">McSweeneys </a>named <a href="https://dlmayfield.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">D.L. Mayfield</a>. She’s quirky to say the least but so
gifted. She has the ability to speak truth about fundamentalism—her having
grown up in Pentecostalism, a different strain of legalism from myself. But I
could relate to her stories, her failed attempts to evangelize, and overall
desires to be a good Christian who saves the world. One of her other popular
posts I like is <a href="https://dlmayfield.wordpress.com/2013/08/15/the-ministry-of-funfetti/" target="_blank">The Ministry of Funfetti</a>. I’m thrilled that her first book is
releasing this August—on my birthday week. I just got a preview of <a href="https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062388800/ref=cm_sw_su_dp?tag=authorweb-20" target="_blank">Assimilate or Go Home: Notes from a Failed Missionary on Rediscovering Faith</a> and it’s good. I can’t wait to read it all.</div>
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Additionally, I’m looking forward to this new release this
summer: <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Womans-Place-Christian-Vision-Calling-ebook/dp/B0176M3WE0/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1466825557&sr=1-1&keywords=a+woman%27s+place+beaty" target="_blank">A Woman’s Place: A Christian Vision for Your Calling in the Office, the Home, and the World</a> by Katelyn Beaty</div>
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Other books I recommend: </div>
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<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Listening-Life-Embracing-Attentiveness-Distraction-ebook/dp/B00HUCPUB0/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1466825614&sr=1-1&keywords=listening+life+mchugh" target="_blank">The Listening Life </a>by Adam McHugh (First 5-star book I read this
year. I couldn’t put it down. And no, it’s not about giving up your phone and
computer.)</div>
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<a href="https://www.amazon.com/How-Survive-Shipwreck-Help-Already-ebook/dp/B01863JKWQ/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1466825641&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+survive+a+shipwreck" target="_blank">How to Survive a Shipwreck</a> by Jonathan Martin</div>
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<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Spiritual-Sobriety-Stumbling-Faith-Religion-ebook/dp/B0104ELSKM/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1466825684&sr=1-1&keywords=spiritual+sobriety" target="_blank">Spiritual Sobriety: Stumbling Back to Faith when Good Religion Goes Bad</a> by Elizabeth Esther (I wanted to
underline entire chapters of this book.)</div>
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<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Wild-Free-Hope-Filled-Anthem-Enough-ebook/dp/B010R2U5ZU/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1466825665&sr=1-1&keywords=wild+and+free" target="_blank">Wild and Free</a> by Jess Connolly and Hayley Morgan (Loved
having two different voices speak to women about being too much and not enough.
It was just right.)</div>
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<br /></div>
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Last but not least…</div>
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<br /></div>
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I’m loving bike rides with Jeff. Because we had Kyla so
early in our marriage, we haven’t been able to cultivate many hobbies together (beyond
Netflix binges and some occasional golfing) in the last 12 or 13 years. But
Kyla is now old enough to watch her siblings while Jeff and I ride
around the neighborhood. As with many things in life, it’s good and hard (because I'm out of shape) and
freeing. And I like it.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Now off to journal…here’s my new one…</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-db6OXJ9C68E/V238f_M_PCI/AAAAAAAAAUk/dc7kXIN3MwYrKT39coY0yQLbAM1Gm2mOwCLcB/s1600/20160616_083436.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-db6OXJ9C68E/V238f_M_PCI/AAAAAAAAAUk/dc7kXIN3MwYrKT39coY0yQLbAM1Gm2mOwCLcB/s320/20160616_083436.jpg" width="180" /></a></div>
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Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15847251208369054049noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3801295639775508234.post-35492858394782739102016-02-05T12:48:00.000-08:002016-02-06T06:49:19.648-08:00Feel Your Feelings<style>
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<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I thought I would like the
Disney movie <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Frozen</i>
since I never had a sister and I love watching my own girls interact with one
another. But I was wrong.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Three words: “</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">conceal</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">, </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">don</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">’</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">t</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">feel</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">” </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">made</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">me</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">feel</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">uneasy</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">. </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Yes, I know it’</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">s</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">an</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">animated</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">film</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">. </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">But</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">I</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">kept</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">thinking</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">, “</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">This</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">family</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">needs</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">a</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">therapist</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">. </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Not</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">a</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">group</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">of</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">trolls</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">.” (</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">If</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">you</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">’</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">re</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">unfamiliar</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">with</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">the</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">storyline</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">of</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Frozen</i>, you can
read more <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frozen_%282013_film%29" target="_blank">here</a>.) </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">In contrast to Elsa’</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">s</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">forced</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">denial</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">of</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">feeling</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">her</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">feelings</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">, </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">I</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">love</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Olaf</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">. </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">He</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">doesn</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">’</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">t</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">hold</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">back</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">. </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Everywhere</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">he</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">goes</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">, </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">he</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">declares</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">, “</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">I</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">’</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">m</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Olaf</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">, </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">and</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">I</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">like</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">warm</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">hugs</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">A snowman who loves warm hugs.
Awesome. Feel your feelings, Olaf. Do your thing.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">We</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">ll, I’</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">m</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Becca</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">. </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">I</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">like</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">long</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">naps</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">and</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Netflix</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">binges</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">.” </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">At</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">least</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">I</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">do</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">these</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">days</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">There’</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">s</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">a</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">deep</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">imprint</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">in</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">the</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">cushions</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">of</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">my</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">couch</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">. </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">I</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">’</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">ve</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">spent</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">a</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">fair</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">amount</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">of</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">time</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">there</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">in</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">the</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">last</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">year</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">. </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">I</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">blew</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">through</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> <i>Scandal</i>, <i>Mad Men</i>,
and I’</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">m</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">a</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">good</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">way</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">through</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> <i>Damages</i>. A couple
weekends ago, I was on a Nicholas Sparks movie marathon. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">My couch has been a place of
refuge recently. A place to feel my feelings. I wish it wasn’</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">t</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">true</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">but</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">I</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">’</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">ve</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">felt</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">I</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">can</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">’</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">t</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">get</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">off</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">it</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">very</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">easily</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">. </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">This</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">is</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">not</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">the</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">kind</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">of</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">woman</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">/</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">mother</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">/</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">wife</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> I had envisioned but this is where I’</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">ve</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">been</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">. </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">On</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">my</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">couch</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">, </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">eating</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Pringles</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">and</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">letting</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">myself</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">be</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">sad</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">when</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">I</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">need</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">to</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">be</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">This last year’</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">s</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">theme</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">of</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">hard</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">is</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">related</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">to</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">relationships</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">. </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">I</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">am</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">wondering</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">if</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">this</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">is</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">just</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">part</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">of</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">adult</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">life</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">—</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">like</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">a</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">seven</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">-</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">year</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">-</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">itch</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> in friendships. An overhaul of
sorts that happens as we move through the decades of change. We all have
friends who wander in and out of our life based on seasons or places we live. I
get that. But for some reason, this has been like every “</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">bump</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">” </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">along</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">the</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> way is a seismic wave. Crash against my heart. Back to my couch. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I’</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">ve</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">even</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">been</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">paranoid</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">in</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">this</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">last</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">month</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">, </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">wondering</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">if</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">people</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">are</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> “</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">out</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">to</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">get</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">me</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">”. </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">It</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">might</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">seem</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">silly</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">that</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">I</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">would</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">assume</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">people</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">are</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">wasting</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">that</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">much</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">time</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">plotting</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">against</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">me</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">. </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">But</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">it</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">’s
true. I made a request of someone and they did the opposite of what I asked. So
then my mind goes between “</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Did</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">they</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">misunderstand</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">me</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">or</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">did</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">they</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">do</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">that</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">on</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">purpose</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">? </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">What</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">is</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">happening</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">here</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">?!”</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Not long ago, so much happened
in the course of two days, I was on the couch again. This time it hurt so much
I couldn’</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">t</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">even</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">move</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">. </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Like</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">I</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">was</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">paralyzed</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">from</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">pain</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">. </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">As</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">much</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">as</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">I</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">wanted</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">to</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">will</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">myself</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">from</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">that</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">place</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">, </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">I</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">chose</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">to</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">let</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">it</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">be</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">. </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">I</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">chose</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">to</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">feel</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">my</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">pain</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">to</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">the</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">deepest</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">level</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">and</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">let</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">all</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">the</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">hurt</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">of</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">the</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">days</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">, weeks, and months wash over
me. I didn’</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">t</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">want</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">to</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">deny</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">the</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">emotions</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">. </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">I</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">knew</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">that</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">if</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">I</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">stuffed</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">it</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">down</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">it</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">would</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">come</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">out</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">in</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">unhealthy</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">ways</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">later</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">. </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">I</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">didn</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">’</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">t</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">want</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">to</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">hold</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">it</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">in</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">anymore</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">. </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">I</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">heard</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">the</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">phrase</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">, “</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Feel</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">your</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">feelings</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">” </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">several</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">times</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">, </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">like</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">a</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">permission</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">. Like
the Holy Spirit was curled up with me there.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">The next day felt like a bit of
an emotional hangover. Ever had one of those? Like after a day of crying when
your eyes and your head still hurts. But there was also a release. A new
beginning. And for the first time in a long time, I’</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">m</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">feeling</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">hopeful</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">about</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">the</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">gift</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">of</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">those</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">who</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">are</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">most</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">supportive</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">in</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">my</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">life</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">. </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">I</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">see</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">how</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">God</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">is</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">letting</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">some</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">light</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">into</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">the</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">darkness</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I trace it back to that evening
on the couch. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">In <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Beautiful-Mess-Perfectionists-Journey-Self-care/dp/0981951546/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1454704764&sr=8-1&keywords=a+beautiful+mess+ritzau" target="_blank">A Beautiful Mess</a></i>, Kristin Ritzau
writes, “</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">So</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">often</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">our</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> culture
operates with a results-based mentality instead of seeing the Holy Spirit
sitting there with us in the pain, holding us while we cry, grieve, or cough.
The Lord is saying, ‘</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">This</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">sucks</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">,’ </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">just</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">as</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">I</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">am</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">.”</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">A few pages later, she goes on
to say, “</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Meeti</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">ng God in our emotions is
sanity, real sanity, not pretend stability. This real sanity does not mean that
we will always be happy. More accurately, we will be able to stay with our
emotional states and deal with them with care instead of dismissing them, erasing
them, or exploding or stuffing them.”</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I realize emotions are scary
things. They are unpredictable. What if they take over? But I believe the God
of the universe who gave me the emotions can handle them. He can handle us
feeling deeply. He sits with us in our hurt. We can trust Him in those moments.
</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I also believe that feeling is
a form of self-care. It’</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">s</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">a</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">way</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">to</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">honor</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">every</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">part</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">of</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">us</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">as</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">we</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">were</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">made</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">. </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">God</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">can</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">work</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">in</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">these</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">mo</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">ments to bring healing and show us more of His love for us.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">This week I was still pondering
the phrase “</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Feel</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">your</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">feelings</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">” </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">and</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">wondering</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">where</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">it</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">originated</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">. </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Did</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">I</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">make</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">it</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">up</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">? </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Did</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">God</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">just</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">put</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">that</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">there</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">for</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">me</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">that</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">evening</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">? </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Nope</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I was almost sure someone along
the way had said it to me at another time. I was right. As I was messing with
my “</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Spiritual</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Formation</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">” </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">board</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">on</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Pinterest</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">, </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">I</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">spotted</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">an</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">old</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">post</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">by</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Jen</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Lee</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">: <a href="http://jenlee.net/journal/what-to-do-when-it-still-hurts.html" target="_blank">What to Do when It Still Hurts</a>. And
#13—</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Feel</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Your</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Feelings</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">My name is Becca. I feel my feelings. I’m also open
to warm hugs.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">*Note: In <i>A Beautiful Mess</i>, Kristin also notes that many
people do not handle their emotions in healthy ways and the result is actually
bodily harm such as cutting. These are serious matters. Please seek
professional help for yourself or those you know who are dealing with
unhealthier aspects of emotions such as self-inflicted pain and mutilation.</span></div>
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Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15847251208369054049noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3801295639775508234.post-38725299935620606132015-11-04T16:21:00.001-08:002016-02-05T15:06:19.482-08:00Input<i>"When I was a child, my grandfather was a preacher....</i><br />
<i>he was a million miles from a million dollars </i><br />
<i>but you could never spend his wealth." </i><br />
<i>-OneRepublic, Preacher</i><br />
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A few years ago I took the Strengthfinders test and
discovered one of my top strengths is Input. </div>
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Upon reading more about my results, I found out that Input is a common
strength among journalists and writers. We read or see random facts and then “input”
them into our psyche until the appropriate time to extract that detail out into
a conversation or an article. (Similar to what I’m doing here right now.)</div>
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I have decided to blame this strength for the reason I read
a lot. Okay, I don’t need anything or anyone to blame for my propensity to
read. It’s just who am and what I do. Now I have another way of understanding
why I read so much and why I choose the topics I do.</div>
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When I find an interest, I will read everything I can get my
hands on to understand and dissect that particular topic. For instance, a few
years ago I discovered the concepts of soul care and spiritual formation. I have
been devouring books on them for a while now. Same with writing. When I became
an editor, I wanted to know more about the creative process and the best ways
to structure writing and how to improve my grammar so I read and read and read on
writing. </div>
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One of the most recent things I’ve stepped into is church
planting. However, I have not been reading about this idea. It has been FULL
STOP on that. Sure, I see articles about it on my feeds but I rarely click. </div>
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Why? Well, for a couple reasons.</div>
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First is that I find articles on church planting to be largely
formulaic. In our time the church has adopted many marketing and business
principles. I think some can be helpful but I see a lot. In my opinion too
many focused on these ideas. Plus, a lot of people say or imply that their
experience or situation is the only way for growth to happen in church. I want
to be free to hear from God about what He has for our church, for me as a
leader in my particular context, and reading “how to” articles on church
planting impedes on my ability to see what God has for me in my community.</div>
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Secondly, much of what I learned about ministry came from my
experiences as a child watching my grandparents minister in the San Luis Valley
where they lived and my participating in church services. I’ve thought about
those days and weeks in The Valley a lot since we started church planting a
couple years ago. After decades of those times sitting in my heart and in my psyche,
it’s now time to pull out what was Input decades ago, I believe by God, in
order to give me hope and vision for today.</div>
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My brother and I grew up in Colorado Springs. The San Luis
Valley is four hours south of our hometown, on the border of Colorado and New
Mexico. This valley is the land of my ancestors. My grandfather was raised in
this largely Hispanic community. There is much beauty that surrounds the San
Luis Valley. It is home to the Sand Dunes and the Sangre De Cristo mountains
border on the east. I spent so many days hiking, picnicking, and fishing there.
Many good memories of running wild on grandma and grandpa’s land, riding
go-carts with the neighbors, making snickerdoodles in the kitchen with grandma,
and tending the garden with grandpa.</div>
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But for as much beauty that exists and surrounds the San
Luis Valley, there is also much despair. In recalling one of the quaint local
towns there, I remember seeing as many bars and liquor stores as restaurants and
grocery stores. Actually, make that one grocery store. There is darkness and hopelessness
there. My grandparents were a light in that place. Well, more accurately, they
shone The Light of the World there.</div>
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Grandpa is a preacher and he has a “fire” in him to share
the gospel with everyone he meets. Really. Everyone. My grandfather also
literally takes care of “widows and orphans”. He took their trash to the dump and
picked up kids after school for single parents. Grandpa also has a passion for
sports and he was the caretaker of the baseball field. I can remember riding in
grandpa’s rusted baby blue pick up with the metal grate hooked up to the back.
We went back and forth at the Centauri High School field while chewing sticks of Big
Red gum.</div>
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Grandma had her fair share of ministry too. She led Sunday
School and VBS. She baked cookies and casseroles for potlucks and played the
piano and the accordion. Yes, the accordion! We would load up the accordion to
go to the campgrounds to lead church services and some homes to sing hymns with
the individuals there. Grandma also took David and I to the nursing home to
sing for the residents. David and I sang hymns like <i>The Old Rugged Cross</i>, <i>In
The Garden</i>, and <i>What a Friend We Have in Jesus</i>. We also sang Patch the Pirate
songs. If you don’t know what that is (don’t) Google it.</div>
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Together we went all over the Valley. Different churches,
different campgrounds, different VBS sometimes. But we also had one particular
church were Grandpa and Grandma ministered—the Presbyterian church in Antonito.
If you don’t know where Antonito is, look it up on the map. It’s the home of
the Cumbres & Toltec Railroad, along with the oldest (Catholic) church in
Colorado. </div>
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The Presbyterian church there was a place where I belonged.
I knew all of the elderly people there by heart—Eloisa and Margie and Angie and
Mr. Martinez. They all loved me and I waved to them when I got out of the car
on Sunday and then again midweek for Bible study. I didn’t mind much that there
weren’t many other kids around to play with, though there were a few at times.
And I didn’t mind that Sunday School didn’t happen every Sunday. I spent many
Sundays listening in church to my Grandpa preach. He always ended a strong statement
in his sermon with “See?” He wanted you to “see” what the passage said,
although I wonder sometimes if he didn’t mean “Si?” as in “Yes!” in his native
Spanish language.<br />
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There I did see! I saw God at work in people’s lives in a little town in a little white church
with a steeple and velvet covers on the pews. I heard Him in the voices that
greeted me and the creaking of the wood floor in the small annex connected to
the sanctuary. I tasted Him in the casseroles lovingly baked and the pies too. I
saw Him in the faces that smiled at me wherever we went.</div>
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These are the things I think about each Sunday now.</div>
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These are the memories that surround me when I see my own
children greeted by the older adults, as they sing in church and dance to the final
song of celebration each week. I am not afraid of not having Sunday School or
Children’s Church at our church yet as we pray for God to make us a light, and
be our Light, where we worship and minister each Sunday. I know God is there
whether we have 10, 20, or 40 in our auditorium that week. This is what gives
me hope. This is church. We don’t need programs or fancy buildings, though God
has seen fit to gift us a pretty nice one to worship in each week. </div>
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I remember the days of my youth. I recall the ministry I
able to do as a young child in a small town.</div>
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In these days of church planting, I’m grateful for Input. I’m
grateful for “see” (or “si”—yes!) as my Grandpa preached. God is with us. He is
in the details that may seem insignificant to some. Sometimes being a small
church feels that way. But He is there in the small and quiet. He sees. I know.
Because I see Him there each week.</div>
Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15847251208369054049noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3801295639775508234.post-35910884586604962572015-09-27T15:56:00.001-07:002015-09-27T15:56:38.670-07:00Sabbath
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Here is Day 14 of my Faith Challenge for work..... </div>
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<u>Sept 27</u></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Make
time for rest today.</span></b><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;"> </span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Exodus 20:11 "For in six days the LORD made the
heavens, the earth, the sea, and everything in them; but on the seventh day he
rested. That is why the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and set it apart as holy.</span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">How do you make time for rest? Your physical and emotional
well-being need rest. We must find time for it. How can you make time for rest
during the week?</span></i></div>
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Rest is not natural. It’s more natural to push ourselves to
our limits. I believe we have to be taught to rest. We may crave it in the
midst of running ourselves ragged but we will not choose it and make room for
it in our life, unless we are intentional.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Looking back, I realize that I grew up practicing Sabbath. Sundays were always different from other days: church, lunch with my family,
naps or watching TV, and then back to church for evening service. It’s just how
it was. I think my parents intended for us to rest
but they weren’t strict about it nor was it a legalistic thing within our family. My parents also had a rule that all homework
was done on Friday or Saturday so that we didn’t have to wait until Sunday
afternoon and be pushing into our evening. Of course, with evening service
every Sunday there wasn’t much time for that anyway. </div>
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Sabbath means “to cease” which means we cease all things we
do on normal days. We cease regular work; we cease striving. God knew this. That’s
why He set it up from the beginning. We were meant to work but not to work so
hard that we are making ourselves our own god, not so hard that we are creating
our own sense of security and identity. That is His job. He is our provider and
through Sabbath, we learn to trust Him in new ways. </div>
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Jeff and I learned the practice of Sabbath from our pastor (now Bishop)
as Jeff worked through his graduate degrees. During that time our
little family always took Sundays together as a Sabbath but now, with being in church
ministry, this is not possible. Jeff takes his Sabbath on Fridays and I do
Sunday afternoons. I wish there was a way to do this together but it hasn’t
worked out yet. Our schedules are a little odd and we work things out the best
we can in this season of raising little ones as well.</div>
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For my Sabbath, I arrange my schedule so that I do not do my
meal planning or grocery shopping on Sunday afternoon. These are some of my
striving areas that kind of make me crazy. But I cease them on Sundays. I read,
watch TV, take walks, and play with the kids. I seek quiet and leisure and
sense of remembering who I am before the crazy of the week hits again.
Sometimes I fold laundry but I’m not hard on myself about it. I like the rhythm
of folding laundry as I watch football with Jeff on Sunday evenings. It’s
calming.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Additionally, I’m a big proponent of rhythm over balance
because with balance, I begin to compartmentalize my life and it becomes a
conquering thing. When I get in a conquering mode, I forget to listen to God. Recently,
soccer season threw off my regular rhythm that I know I can work within to keep
myself healthy and functioning. I’ve been cranky and extra tired. After a
couple weeks of some (whining and) asking God what I do now, I got the idea of
late Friday nights away doing writing, meal planning, and shopping when the
kids are in bed. This has helped make me even more ready for Sabbath. I’ve done
the hard stuff of preparing for the next week on Friday night and all day Saturday. On Sunday it’s time to
just be. It’s time to cease.</div>
Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15847251208369054049noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3801295639775508234.post-21186961450290108692015-09-24T08:11:00.003-07:002015-09-24T13:02:18.715-07:00Afraid<style>
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Here is Day 11 of my Faith Challenge for work.... </div>
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<b><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Make
a list of areas in your life you're afraid to face. </span></b></div>
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</div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Isaiah 41:13</span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"For I hold you by your right hand - I, the LORD your
God. And I say to you, 'Don't be afraid. I am here to help you.'</span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Are there areas of your life that you're afraid to face?
Starting an exercise program, visiting a new church, going back to school or
making a career change? All of these things can be scary, but have faith and
know that the Lord is right there beside you through it all! Look to Him for
guidance and lean on Him.</span></i></div>
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1. Starting a spiritual direction program. Would I have time
for the homework and discussions while also working and parenting young ones
and running a church? (Answer: Probably not. Translation: Am I crazy?!!?) What
would be the point of the program <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">for me</i>?
Would it be a new career for me at some point? Is God calling me into spiritual
direction? How does this fit with my calling as an editor? What if I don’t want
to be a traditional spiritual director who works with clients one on one? More
than that…what if God wants me to be a traditional spiritual director? </div>
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<br /></div>
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I do know that spiritual direction is something that keeps
coming back to me. Even when I try to let it go, it comes back and I think
about it a lot. Recently I read a book with some background on Saint Ignatius
that I didn’t know before and I was totally nerding out over it. This has to
mean something. I’m guessing not every person is as excited about Ignatian
practices as I am! What will become of this dream?</div>
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2. Facing other parents who appear “put together” and keeping
up with the general expectations on me that come with school/sports. So….I
got straight up cranky when school began this year (on August 12<sup>th</sup>!
Just rob me of my summer, why dontcha?) because I felt I had to change into “responsible
school mommy” when all I want to do is sleep and leave the kids at home with
Jeff while I go to work. The girls’ school has been better over the years about
how much is put on the parents (example: way less fundraisers) but it is so
hard to work and be a mom. I want to be available for everyone if they need me
and attend more things like field trips but it’s not possible for me so I feel
like less of a good parent. The more I feel a weight of expectation on me, the more I
want to give up and eat more Pringles while lying on the couch. </div>
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Likewise, soccer expectation is doubled with both girls
doing it this season. More gear and other things to remember. And if I forget
something, it feels like everyone at the field knows it. A couple weekends ago
I packed like 27 things for the kids because it was going to be a 5-hour stint
at the park with only a little time to run home in between. Well, I remembered
all the snacks, uniforms, water bottles, cleats, balls, shin guards, and the baby
sippy cup. Forgot the sunscreen and it was scorching hot that day. Actually,
didn’t forget the sunscreen, just had it pre-packed for a camp Kyla was
attending two days later. So, we all got sunburned. Good job, mommy. Good job. When
soccer season starts, I am afraid of these moments of being unprepared. They
seriously keep me up at night. </div>
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<br /></div>
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3. Holidays. I heard yesterday that someone on the floor
above me at work put up Christmas decorations—on the first day of Fall. This
makes my eye start twitching. Christmas comes with so many expectations and so
many details to remember. I don’t want it to be Christmas yet. I’m still
surviving soccer season over here. The leaves have barely changed! Now, I will
say this…Jeff and I have scaled way, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">way</i>
back on Christmas since we first got married. We still decorate on the Sunday
evening after Thanksgiving and order pizza. Always have done that tradition. We
keep to our budget on gifts pretty well and we don’t do all the things we could
possibly do. We do gingerbread cookies some time the week before Christmas and
Christmas dinner is simple. Jeff and the kids even help with making it. One
Christmas Jeff took the kids sledding so I could have some quiet for a couple
hours on Christmas morning. Best. Gift. Ever. Then we spend the afternoon
watching movies. But somehow every year I spot someone else doing something
that I deem a “good idea” during the Christmas season and why didn’t I think of
that? And I should do that too. Remember how I’m giving up my “shoulds”? Well,
Christmas brings out a lot of shoulding on myself. I have to be extra aware and
vigilant about my negative self-talk.</div>
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So, there you have it. These are some of the things I think
about and worry about regularly at this point in my life. They might seem kind
of silly but they are my things. Honest and open. There is a theme here—expectations
and not measuring up. This is a continual theme in my life that I have to keep
coming back to and inviting God into to work through new layers of my struggle
with perfectionism. I’m grateful I have more tools now. I want God to come help
me and guide me and remind me that He is not concerned about my measuring up.
But He is concerned about how I treat myself in the midst of my fears about
expectations. </div>
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Further, I know it’s possible for Him to help me. Notice, I
didn’t list being in church leadership as a fear. I also didn’t list fearing
that I will step out of God’s will and be punished. Those were my big fears a few
years ago. But those are things that God worked to heal and help me with
through some very big events. I know He can help me with the current list.</div>
Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15847251208369054049noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3801295639775508234.post-54275665401895140942015-09-23T08:23:00.000-07:002015-09-23T19:09:46.208-07:00Laughter and LifeHere's Day 10 of my Faith Challenge for work (skipped sharing a few more days here)....<br />
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<u><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Sept 23</span></u></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Reach out and help
someone with positive words of encouragement.</span></b><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Proverbs 18:20</span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"Wise words satisfy like a good meal; the right words
bring satisfaction."</span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Has someone positively impacted your life with the right
words? How can you reach out and help someone with positive words of
encouragement?</span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">A few years ago, someone said something
to me in a church setting that triggered my issues with legalism and spiritual
abuse. Being sensitive to these things can be a blessing and a curse. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A blessing because it makes me aware of my
words and actions as a leader in the church. A curse because it can reduce me
to anger and tears in no time. That night it was a curse. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I got into the car in the church
parking lot and started crying and pounding on the steering wheel the minute
the door shut. My poor girls starting crying too because I scared them. I was
yelling so loud.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Jeff calmed the girls down and then
listened well to my tirade, “Will it ever get better? In the church will we
always shame and control one another? How the &*%$ can this be happening to
me again? This is exactly what I’ve been trying to escape for the last 10 years!”</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Around that same time, a friend texted
Jeff to ask how I was. He knew what kind of a meeting I walked into that evening
and thought it might be triggering me. Jeff texted back, “Well, she’s currently
crying and cussing. So…you know…”</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">After I calmed down enough to drive, we
headed toward Taco Bell. It was late and I sure wasn’t planning to cook. I was
still crying as I ordered and received my food. The guy at the window gave me a
strange look when he handed me my bags and asked about sauce. *Sniff, sniff.* Yes,
some hot and mild. Certainly my most emotional experience in a drive thru.</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I got home and paced around the house,
still yelling a bit and throwing my hands up in the air. “I don’t know what to
do. I’m lost!”</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">It was not a situation I could easily
leave because I was committed to being in leadership at this particular place.
In another time or situation, I would simply walk away. Jeff suggested a friend
to e-mail. Someone older and wiser who had been through similar pain. Yes, yes!
She would know what to do!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I sat down and wrote out the situation
as best as I could.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The next morning I received my reply.
She was empathetic. Expressed how hard this was for me. She could understand.
Then she said something surprising. She told me to find the good things of life
to enjoy. She told me to laugh with my children and to find and pursue the things that
are life-giving. She knew I was in a hard place that required my full
commitment and that spiritual warfare was very much at work. She told me
that joy would combat the darkness.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So I did. I took the kids to the park.
We watched movies and visited our favorite library. I allowed more time for
lingering and laughter.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">There it was: laughter. That was the
thing that would walk me through the spiritual abuse and legalism surrounding
me once again. God didn’t make the darkness and He certainly is not for us
abusing each other in His name. But He did create joy. He did create life and
He is the only one who can give life in the midst of pain and struggle. This
was my new goal: joy.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I have never forgotten her words.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">*******</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">A few weeks ago, a friend was wheeled
into emergency surgery. I messaged her sister for details and hoped to visit
her in the hospital. She went through another surgery before they finally
released her. I missed my opportunity to see her in person at the hospital but
still determined to check in with her after she got settled at home.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Instead, she called me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">She didn’t know I had been praying for
her procedure. She told me she was receiving some conflicting advice about
recovery and it felt very frustrating. Plus, she has a young family to care for.
How would she do it while on resting for a few weeks?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I listened. I really had very few
answers, other than to tell her about a couple of ridiculous examples from my
own life when people have tried to tell me what to do and how I can’t possibly
live up to all they’re asking me to do at one time. If I did, I would never get
anything done. My examples were so outlandish that we got to laughing pretty
hard on the phone. Hopefully I didn’t do any damage to her stitches! </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">At the end of the conversation, as I
wiped away tears of laughter, she sighed and said, “I knew I should call you. I
knew you would make me feel better.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I really feel as if God gifted those
moments to us. Moments of joy when she was full of such uncertainty and
questions. In all of her pain and struggle, we found joy together.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">There is a way to tear others down,
such as what I received that night at a church meeting. But the right words
satisfy. I’m so grateful that those right words are the ones that stuck with
me. In fact, I have to think very hard now to remember the spiritually abusive
phrases that had me cowering in my seat that evening. They are there. But they
are buried. I would have to concentrate really hard to be back in that place.
What I do remember is the life-giving words that gave me a new trajectory to
claim. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Yes, wise words satisfy like a good
meal. (Better than Taco Bell!) I’m praying for the Holy Spirit to give me more
of those right and good words. And laughter too. I want more of that.</span></div>
Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15847251208369054049noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3801295639775508234.post-1563969831342109872015-09-20T13:50:00.001-07:002015-09-20T16:25:30.461-07:00Living Word<style>
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</style>Here's Day 7 (skipped sharing Day 6) of my Faith Challenge for work...<br />
<br />
*********** <br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Sept 20</span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Read God's word to
have a purposeful life. </span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Psalm 57:3 </span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"I cry out to God Most High, to God who will fulfill
His purpose for me." </span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">If your best friend gave you a letter before leaving on a
trip and said, "Read this before I get back," you would read it right
away. God has left you not just a letter but a book and has said, "Read
this before I return, because it tells you exactly what you need to know to
have a purposeful life." Will you read it? </span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Hmmm….I’m not loving the analogy above
because I believe God’s Word is living. It’s not just something to read once
and then done. It is active and the Holy Spirit works through it regularly to
transform those who open its pages. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">It’s impossible to count the number of
ways I have been changed by God’s Word. As a child it was about memorization
and reading stories. All the stories of Moses, David, and Paul. Looking back,
I’m a little surprise that as a 4<sup>th</sup> grader I read things like the
story of Samson and Delilah for Sunday School. But, you know, I supposed I
learned something about God then too. Or perhaps it was a moral lesson. I just
couldn’t even understand how Samson couldn’t just say no. Sheesh, dude, you
know what God said, right? So don’t do it. Don’t cut your hair!!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Memorization was, of course, part of
AWANA, summer camp, and Christian school. Then, there was also the push to
have daily devotions. We did them every year for summer camp in our little
booklets and mom would take me to The Lord’s Vineyard to buy elementary age
devotionals. (The Lord’s Vineyard was an 80’s Colorado Springs thing, around
long before all the ministries landed in this town. Think Christian bookstore
pre-Mardels. That place was great. It’s where we bought Psalty records and
cassettes of Sandi Patty’s Friendship Company. I even once saw a picture of
Chuck Swindoll dressed up in some sort of leather outfit not
long after the movie <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Terminator</i>
came out. The poster said “The Serminator”. Haha!)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Sometimes I loved reading the Bible for
fun. Sometimes it was just the thing to do. It was what you were told was good.
But along the way, whatever the motive, I fell in love with God’s Word. I
wanted to teach it to everyone I could. I even taught my stuffed animals as a
child when I would hold Sunday School in my room and use a flannel blanket for
flannelgraph. God’s Word gripped me early. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The only time I can remember not really
wanting to read it regularly was a couple years after Bible college. I had
dissected the Bible to the point that it became a textbook. I think that kind
of learning was necessary. In fact I know it was but it left me in a bit of a
funk around my senior year of college. I believe there was incredible grace
from God in that time. He understood. He knew I would be back.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">One of my most prized possessions is my
Bible that I received on my 17<sup>th</sup> birthday from my parents. This was
in a time of turmoil in their marriage so the fact that they gave this Bible to
me together means a lot. It’s also the Bible where I marked up Psalms and
Isaiah as I read while my parents were separated for two years, prior to their
divorce. My dad marked <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=colossians+2%3A4-12&version=NIV" target="_blank">Colossians 2:4–12</a> for me the week before I left for
college. The margin there says “From Dad.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">A couple lines above it I marked
Colossians 1:28–29 with the words “Good for CE” (or Good for Christian
Education):</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="text"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He
is the one we proclaim, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so
that we may present everyone fully mature in Christ.<sup> </sup>To this
end I strenuously contend with all the energy Christ so powerfully works in me.</span></i></span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I don’t use that copy of the Bible too
much anymore. Can’t carry it to church or anything. When Kyla was a (very
strong-willed) baby she ripped out the maps in the back when I wasn’t looking
and the first page of Jonah while I was prepping a youth group lesson. I don’t
know what she had against Paul’s missionary travels or Jonah and the big fish
but she made her feelings known, I guess. Yes, that Bible has so much character
and holds a lot of God’s work in my life in between its pages. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Most recently I’ve come to enjoy
reading the paraphrase The Message. What’s so great about The Message is
that verses I’m tempted to kind of skim or say, “yeah, yeah, I know what that
says already” become a whole new thing for me. I slow down. I pause. I see
Scripture in a new way. I believe God gifted Eugene Peterson very specifically
to complete this paraphrase. (If you’re curious how Peterson started writing
it, check out <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Eat-This-Book-Conversation-Spiritual/dp/0802864902/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1442782200&sr=8-1&keywords=eat+this+book+peterson" target="_blank"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Eat This Book: A Conversation in the Art of Spiritual Reading</i></a> where he
shares the story. It was originally meant for the church he was pastoring and
it morphed into something that has changed many, many lives.)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I always, always read The Message
alongside the NIV. I have loved NIV for many years as well since that’s what I
used at my Christian middle school and high school. It is familiar to me. This
last May, Jeff bought me a parallel NIV/The Message. I love it so much. I
wanted to carry it everywhere with me for at least two weeks after I received
it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">There is no way around it, God’s Word
is special to me. I love it. I love it because I love Him and I believe I love
Him more because of His Word. I’m beyond grateful to have access to Scripture,
to read it, and to share it with others. When I open my Bible I almost always
feel a sense of excitement, even when I’m just doing it as part of my job. I sometimes open just to check that a passage is stated correctly but that doesn’t
make a difference. I simply love the possibility of what can happen when God’s Word
is open and how He will work through His inspired Word as it inspires me.</span></div>
Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15847251208369054049noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3801295639775508234.post-76902498410716194192015-09-18T10:54:00.000-07:002015-09-18T12:46:21.380-07:00From Behavior to Beloved<style>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="text"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Here is Day 5 of my 30-day Faith Challenge for work.... </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="text"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">*******</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="text"><u><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Sept 18</span></u></span><span class="text"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Write down your
feelings about God's love for yourself. </span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">R<i>omans 8:39</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"No
power in the sky above or in the earth below - indeed, nothing in all creation
will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in
Christ Jesus our Lord."</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<i><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">God thinks you're special. Does that make a difference in
what you think about yourself or others? Write down your thoughts to reflect on
later for a reminder of God's love.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Keller has a Jesus Loves Me book given to him by his
godparents. This book not only plays the song when you push the button but
features illustrations of children playing and eating with Jesus faint in the
background looking over the children and participating in their activities. </span><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">I love these images. I always point out Jesus to Keller as
we read the book (and he pushes the music button over and over and over….). I
say, “Jesus loves Keller. See, Jesus loves His children. Jesus loves Keller.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">As children I think it’s easier to believe the foundational
truths of Jesus made me and He loves me. There isn’t really a doubt until the
hard things of life come our way to cause questions. </span><br />
<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">For me, that time came in the transition from sixth grade
into seventh grade. That was a hard year for me. That’s when things like shame
and feeling put down over my choices—whether good or bad—became the main thing.
Through Jr High and High School I was constantly judged and questioned for
every little thing I did or liked. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What
you like that Babysitter’s Club book? Don’t you know it has a storyline about
divorced parents in it? It’s bad to read.</i> Or a better interpretation: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You are bad for reading it and even liking
that. </i>Over time these feelings seeped into how I believed God felt about
me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">When my parents separated during my junior year of high
school, I used to read Psalms for hours and hours in my room. I cried out to
God for help and that book in the Bible gave me words filled with emotion when
I had none to offer. Yet, I was told I “wasn’t having enough faith” by youth
leaders during that tumultuous time in my life. I was so confused. I’m pretty
sure that if I had shared about my Psalm reading, it would have been doubted
and questioned and I would have been asked to prove it. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">And so, during that time in my life, behavior and morals
became the main thing and I began to believe that was the main thing God cared
about too. Jesus loves me? Well, I prove my love by what I do for Him. He gave
His life for me so I am supposed to give everything for Him, even to the point
of risking my own health and well-being. I was also told what that should look
like in my life, dictated by the leaders in my faith community. I operated this
way a lot through college as well. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Now, I got by living this way for a while but then I had
children of my own. Taking it a step further, I got a job writing for children. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Upon being hired, I was ready to roll up my sleeves and
teach the basics. I had learned how to help others be good followers of God by that
time. There was memorization of Scripture to teach and morals like the Ten
Commandments to help them learn. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">As I began my writing job, I discovered this would not work.
In fact it was the exact opposite of the foundation of my curriculum. I was
tasked with reading a couple books to get an idea of this new philosophy of
leading children to a place where they could encounter God—not teaching facts and
information that would make them good little children in society.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">I also discovered this was in the power of the Holy Spirit,
not my power. In meetings I was forced to look at Scripture according to what
God is doing, not what I was supposed to take away and do. This….this changed
my life forever. Have you ever looked at a passage of Scripture just to see
what God is doing and what it says about Him? I sure hadn’t and I found a bunch
of stuff in the Bible I had never, ever seen before. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">We began with Old Testament passages. It was a rough started
because I began on the Genesis 3. Yeah…try teaching about sin and the curse to
6 year olds. But as I found my groove, more emerged. For example, let’s look at
Jacob. Jacob means “deceiver” and deceive he did. He worked such a number on
his family that he was forced to run away for fear that his own brother would
kill him. After running for a bit, he finally stopped to rest. (This account is
found in Genesis 28:10–22, by the way, if you want to read it.) </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Until this point Jacob had <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">done</i> all the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">wrong </i>things.
Yet, God came to Him. (Via a ladder extending from the sky—what?!) He assured
Jacob of His presence with these words: “I am with you and will watch over you
wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you
until I have done what I have promised you.” This is all God. All God! And
Jacob knew it. See his response in verse 16: “Surely, the Lord is in this
place, and I was not aware of it.” Yeah, man, I can relate.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Now, we can argue that Jacob was in the lineage of Abraham
(someone else God came to and made a promise to even though he was a pagan
worshipper prior to Genesis 12) and that is why Jacob received special
treatment. But, aren’t we His children? Haven’t we been given promises by God
that He will be with us (Matthew 28:20)? Haven’t we been “grafted in” to the
promises given to Abraham’s family (Romans 11:11–24)? If so, how could I
believe that what I do makes a difference in how God treats me, in how He loves
me and what He thinks of me?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">This is possibly where it all started for me, at least
that’s one point I remember well. (Around that time I also read some pointed thoughts
about my Identity via Chapter 4 in <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Spiritual-Parenting-Awakening-Todays-Families/dp/1434764478/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1442598758&sr=8-1&keywords=spiritual+parenting+anthony" target="_blank">Spiritual Parenting</a> by Michelle Anthony.)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">After getting through Jacob and then Joseph’s part in the
Bible, I jumped into New Testament passages for lessons. I wrote a little about
my experience with the Gospels in a post called “God Sees” found <a href="http://www.welloflifeanglican.com/#!God-Sees/c1b8h/4015526E-C2E7-4699-AE22-1B95799A2CF9" target="_blank">here</a>. This is
where I began to see Jesus—God in human form—and His love in tangible form.
Look at how He treats those around Him—including women and children. There is
nothing and no One like Him.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Slowly I began to believe that God felt that way about me.
In times when I had nothing to offer Him or had disobeyed, He was still there.
He was comforting me, loving me just for being me. Just as I was.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">I spent two and a half years writing curriculum and
wrestling with these concepts. I was committed to helping young minds grasp
these concepts too, not just during those elementary years but for lifelong
faith. So that when shame hit them in middle school and beyond, this was there
identity: Beloved of God. Always and forever the Beloved of God.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Along the line, God changed me and showed me the same
things. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">When the project ended, I was a different person. Toward the
end of creating the lessons, our team didn’t know if the project would end or
morph, but one day, I got a call from HR. Just before the phone rang, I got a
text from a coworker and friend saying, “I’m in a meeting. It’s not good.” And
I knew. I knew that particular season of writing and wrestling was over. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">As soon as I got off the phone with HR, I opened my computer
and sent a message to those people who had been praying and grappling alongside
me as I wrote lessons. Here’s a portion of the e-mail I wrote on that day in
2011:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="ecxmsonormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I
am grateful for my time at Cook because I believe it served as a strong
stepping stone in my journey. I had wanted to work for Cook for almost 10
years, and that was accomplished. I made a ton of great friends there and found
a love for all things related to spiritual formation. Also, I got to spend a
LOT of time reading and studying the Bible. I learned incredible things about
who God is because of that, things I never knew about Him before and how much
He loves me. I AM His beloved. I am seen.</span></i></div>
<div class="ecxmsonormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="ecxmsonormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I
was thinking last week about how I worked on this project with the leaders,
kids, churches, and families in mind. But I wonder if God didn't create the
project just to shape and grow me. Would He do something like that? Move an
entire ministry to fund a project just for my spiritual growth or just the
members of my team? I don't know for sure. However, I think it is possible. I
will not take that for granted.</span></i></div>
<div class="ecxmsonormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="ecxmsonormal">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My pastor’s wife responded:</span></div>
<div class="ecxmsonormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="ecxmsonormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Yes, dear Becca, your God would move
an entire ministry to fund a project just for you. He loves you that much!</span></i></div>
<div class="ecxmsonormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">And I believed her.</span></div>
Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15847251208369054049noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3801295639775508234.post-70300640561090464922015-09-17T08:37:00.000-07:002015-09-17T11:43:31.742-07:00Changes<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
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--><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;"> I'm now on Day 4 of my Faith Challenge for work. If you're reading along, thanks for doing so!</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">**************</span></div>
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--><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;"> </span><div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<u><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Sept 17</span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Make a list of things
you would like to change</span></b><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Ecclesiastes
4:9 "Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other
succeed."</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Write
down some things that you would like to change and who you can turn to for help
and support to make those changes happen. </span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Change is hard. Making a list of things
I want to change is harder.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I also know it’s not healthy for me to
make a list of things to change. I go a bit crazy with lists because I have to
DO ALL THE THINGS in order to be successful. Leave off one thing or don’t
complete something and I’m losing sleep over my “failure.” As a result, unless
I’m making one for the grocery or something for work, I don’t really do them
anymore. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">But I get the point of this prompt.
It’s good to make things tangible. A little like what I wrote yesterday about
finally verbalizing my loneliness and how that brought about change.</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Instead of making a list that’s
something like 1–10, I’m going to talk about a couple key things that I’d like
to change.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">First, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">my physical health</b>. I was an athlete in high school and college,
and while I’ve never loved things like running, I always appreciate how good it
makes me feel afterward. When I exercise, I’m more likely to choose healthy
food as well because why undo all the hard work with a cheeseburger or a couple
of donuts? Jeff and I used to work out together too but my first pregnancy
came pretty quick after getting married and I haven’t been able to find a
groove since…almost 12 years later. (sigh)</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I’ve tried some things over the years:
pilates on my living room floor, working out at 24 Hour Fitness (when we got a great
discount through Jeff’s job at CCU), and working out while at work. Inevitably,
just as I got a good thing going, our scheduled changed due to seminary classes
or I had another baby and so on.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Earlier this year, I had to get a
mammogram for a lump on my chest. This is not the first time this has happened
to me. In fact, I’ve had several other (benign) lumps removed from my chest.
But this time was a little more scary. I’m not 20 years old this time, like I
was when the first lump was removed. I hadn’t been exercising or eating great
so I was very afraid something was wrong. (All tests came back okay, by the
way.) Then a couple months later, we went on our first family vacation and I
did a ton of walking (up Seattle hills) and hiking. Felt the best I have in
years so I’ve been continuing walking regularly at work or on weekends. I fight
for this time more now. I also have been adjusting some of my eating habits.
There is more room to grow in these areas but this is a good start for me. </span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">One other thing re: this area is that
the idea of holistic health is fairly new to me. Most of my life, I’ve put
emphasis on my spiritual health and believed that is what God cared about most.
However, I see how God gave us every area of our life to steward—emotional (God
gave us emotions for a reason and I plan to use them), sexual (it’s about way
more than purity talks before marriage and avoiding affairs afterward…there is
plenty of outrage AND <a href="http://fiddlrts.blogspot.ca/2015/08/josh-duggar-ashley-madison-and-covenant.html?utm_content=bufferd512f&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer&m=1" target="_blank">intelligent analysis</a> going around about this in faith
circles right now), and of course, physical health (my body is a gift from God,
not just something we will cast aside when Jesus returns). I want to care for
my body. It matters to God. It’s part of who I am.</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Secondly, I am working on <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">compassion</b>. I recently finished Brené
Brown’s book on rising from failure titled <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Rising-Strong-Bren%C3%A9-Brown/dp/0812995821/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1442503771&sr=8-1&keywords=rising+strong" target="_blank"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Rising Strong</i></a>. In the sixth chapter, she talked about an encounter she had with a
rude woman at an event. She shared this experience in a counseling session and received this
question from the counselor: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What if
people are doing the best they can?</i> She was appalled by this thought
because people make their own choices and there are consequences, right? I get
Brene’s response. I am SO black and white. My motto might as well be “You break
the rules, you pay.” But Brené’s words made me think. She polled people around
her and eventually came to the conclusion that we can’t know everything about
every person’s circumstance, and it’s best to give them the benefit of the
doubt and offer compassion.</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I am sure my propensity to judgment is
based on my personality and also my growing up in fundamentalism. Where, as I
mentioned in my post on Monday, God is ready to smite thee for one misstep.
Plus, I believe that I am SO hard on myself that I find it hard to give others
a break when I’m not doing the same for myself. I believe there is no excuse
for my mistakes, therefore, same to you. No excuse.</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">But I decided to be more conscious
about compassion and some of what was shared in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Rising Strong</i>. Kaelyn joined a new sports team recently and so I
was thrust into being around a new group of parents. Ugh, this produces such
anxiety in me because I think that right from the first introduction they are
judging if I’m a good mom. So, I am also prone to judge them right away. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">My armor on first so they can’t hurt me,
right?</i> Then the parents began talking amongst themselves about some of the
other children and families on the team. So….this isn’t helping at all because
I’m sure that as I walk away from them, they’ll be talking about me. Plus, this
particular group of parents has been together for years and I’m the outsider.
However….I decided to say <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">they are doing
the best they can</i> to myself and entered into some conversations to ask
questions about this new team of kids and find out where people work, how long
their child has been on the team, etc.</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The parents asked me a little too.
Before I knew it, a dad got up to help the coach with a drill and he called
Kaelyn by name. I thought that was a pretty nice thing to do to memorize her
name right away. Then, I also noticed the sideline was filled with both moms
and dads. Not something you see every day, right? By the end of the first
practice, Kaelyn had an invitation to a birthday party. How sweet of her to be
included. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">These parents care</i>, I
thought. I could feel my heart changing toward compassion.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">As I mentioned, change is hard. We all
know that. I think the key is to stay aware. If XYZ is hard, then that’s when I
ask God to help. Jeff once said to me many years ago to invite God into those
things—into all things in my life. That is true discipleship; that is following
Jesus in all things. It’s also how real change occurs. I have to ask the Holy
Spirit to give me His gift of compassion. Can’t do that on my own. If it were
all up to me all the time, it would be ARMOR ON so I can’t get hurt. Change—and
the ability to do it—is part of what God gifts to us in salvation. We work out
our salvation over time with His help (Philippians 2:12). </span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He’s also the One who told me no more
lists because He knows that’s not good for me. So I listened. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span class="text"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Therefore,
if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is
here! 2 Corinthians 5:17</span></i></span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i></div>
Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15847251208369054049noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3801295639775508234.post-55373887378440281402015-09-16T15:41:00.001-07:002015-09-16T19:51:53.045-07:00AloneHere is Day 3 of reflections for my Faith Challenge at work.....<br />
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">*************</span></div>
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<u><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Sept 16</span></u></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Think of family or
friends to have be a part of this journey with you.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></b><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Genesis
2:18 "Then the LORD God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I
will make a helper who is just right for him.'</span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Think of
a few family members or friends that help and care for you. Ask them to be a
part of this journey with you. Ask them to hold you accountable and encourage
you along the way.</span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">A few years ago, I was so, so lonely. I was a young mom but
unable to join mothers groups or do playdates at the park due to working
fulltime. Playdates at the park at 10am was the kind of mom I thought I would
be and it was hard navigating the young years with a strong-willed toddler
without any other moms doing the same around me. This is not to say that I
didn’t have great people in my life. At the time I had wonderful coworkers
while working at a nonprofit. We handled difficult phone calls and letters and
so everyone in our dept was hired because they had skills in discernment and
empathy. I received daily encouragement and prayer from them. But something was
still missing.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">I knew this when I was cleaning out my library one day and
discovered three copies of the book <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The
Friendships of Women</i>. Uh, hello. Yeah, when I collect books on the same
theme (or even the same book in this case!), there is clearly something lurking
beneath the bookshelves. Not long after that, I remember running into a woman
from church named Barb and in the course of our conversation, saying to her,
“I’m just so lonely.” She replied that she would be my friend if I need and
gave me a big hug. She and I couldn’t have been more opposite in life stage,
she being a single in middle age and me a young mom. But I was so grateful for
the hug and it was a relief to verbalize that feeling.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">I began praying and praying and praying for deep
friendships. For people to do life with me. I longed for people to really know
me enough to laugh and cry and understand why I might be upset from everything
including losing a coupon for Target to Jeff’s loooong ordination process that
took us years to walk through.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">God answered these prayers. He really did. I look back and
see the handful of my people God sent in that time since declaring my
loneliness aloud. They joined my journey at different times. They know me. All
I have to do is text and they come running (or texting back). While I was in
Kansas for a year, God gave me a huge gift in my friend Jessica. I did some of
those playdates and we shared meals together with our families on pretty much a
weekly basis. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Okay, you bring the meat
this week; I’ll bring the beer. Out of this or that before we grill? We’ll go
get those things together. Load the kids in the minivan. Also, have you seen
the newest product at Trader Joe’s?</i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Even though I’ve been back in CO for three years, Jess and I
still talk on almost a weekly basis and text several times a week. If I’m
cracking up over a text, it’s usually her. She is also fantastically indignant
on my behalf over mostly everything. She has fought for me when I was attacked
on Facebook and she sends the best articles. She lets me rail about authors and
books and joins sometimes too. Last week one of her texts began with these
words: “Feminist win of the day!” and then she proceeded with an awesome story
about telling off a misogynistic plumber. You go, sister! All the emoticons
coming your way.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Another person I’m likely to text regularly is Christy.
Christy is my fashion consultant who took me shopping when I was going through
my <a href="http://beccawithpeninhand.blogspot.com/2014/07/wear-i-am.html" target="_blank">Wear I Am crisis</a> last year. She helped me find clothing that say ME and she
even created a personal color pallet based on my fashion board on Pinterest.
Christy attends our church and lives in our neighborhood, which is fun. She brings
me snacks in the form of Pringles, texts me when she’s on her way to Target
midweek in case I need anything, and encourages me in my job. Her gifts in
leadership and creativity are off the charts and I am blessed by her regular
presence in my life.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">There are others: Rebekah patiently listens to my journey of
church planting and banters with me about who is winning in MasterChef. Jenna
regularly texts just: “How are you?” and watched Keller for us last spring. Vicki
helps me watch out for my kids too. She knows my little ones inside and out (having
taught my oldest child in those strong-willed years) and encourages me as a
mom. I’m blessed once again with wonderful, understanding coworkers too. I
already know these people will be with me on this Faith Challenge journey
because they are there in my life.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">I believe there was something important about verbalizing my
loneliness that day to Barb. God heard me. Barb and I didn’t become best
friends but I see her from time to time. She still offers me hugs when I do.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">I also got rid of all my copies of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Friendships of Women</i>.</span></div>
Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15847251208369054049noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3801295639775508234.post-42695926734414966392015-09-15T07:49:00.004-07:002015-09-15T07:49:53.887-07:00In, Up, OutThis is Day 2 of my Faith Challenge at work...<br />
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*****<br />
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--</style><u><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Sept 15</span></u></div>
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<b><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Look
In, Up, and Out</span></b><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;"> </span></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">1. Look in to prepare your
heart</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">2. Look up to God for strength
and guidance</span></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">3. Look out with the help of
others and you can achieve more</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">1. Look in. I think I’m actually pretty
good about looking in my heart to prepare. This is due to my stepping into
Anglicanism almost a decade ago. This expression of the church helps us with
preparation by walking us through the seasons of the church and things like
prayer as a community, confession, and receiving Eucharist on a weekly basis.
It has instilled a rhythm of preparation. This is not to say that my heart
isn’t hard on a daily, weekly, or seasonal basis. It’s just that the liturgy
walks us through worship with our whole life and whole body, whether we are
ready for God or not. And we do it together as a community. It’s not only a
preparation for myself.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">2. Look up. The concept of looking up
is a bit hard because I usually picture God with me, beside me. But I get the
idea is a posture of humility before a great, powerful, and awesome God. It’s a
little like kneeling in prayer. It’s an expression of worship and reverence. I
admit I find myself looking to the sky when I’m frustrated with God when He and
I are “having words” (that’s usually me having words while He patiently
listens). I actually wonder if I only look up in those times because I picture
Him far away? But when all is well in my life, I picture Him there with me?
Something to think about….perhaps I need to go back to Step 1…?</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I will say this about the posture of
looking “up” to God for guidance. It comes with the idea of the fear of God.
For many years, the Fear of God was instilled into me like God is a monster. As
in, I should be scared of Him because He could squash me like a bug and He’s
ready to do so with just one misstep. Remember how God promised to bless the Israelites
for obedience and cursing would come to them for disobedience? Well, just
imagine that running in your head every time the “fear of God” is mentioned in
the Bible? Not exactly a pretty picture. And why would we want to serve and
worship this God anyway? Simply out of being scared of Him? Well, that invites
worry, which is what God tell us not to do because He is with us. It’s a pretty
vicious cycle…. Until….</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">As I was writing children’s curriculum
a few years ago, I had to wrestle with this concept. You guys, sometimes I
would wrestle with these concepts (especially some Old Testament ones) to the
point of tears. (I cried for two weeks when I wrote a lesson on the Ten
Commandments….just ask my husband.) This was one of those times. How in the
world do you I teach the fear of the Lord to six year olds without inciting
worry, the kind of worry that kept me up at night when I was that age?</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Then, I thought about those moments
when I see the power and wonder of God in full glory, the kind that brings me
to my knees without being able to stop myself. I thought about crackling
thunder during a rolling storm, and when I’m face to face with a lion at the
zoo, who is only inches from my face with only glass as a separation. Those are
the moments that make me shake with wonder and fear. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Who is this God?</i> Then I remembered this is the One by my side. He’s
not the monster God waiting to strike me. He’s the One who promised protection.
When I look to the sky to see a bright flash of lightning while driving home in
a storm, that is my looking toward my God and remembering that strength—His
strength—is a gift He promised me. I think I’ll try looking up a bit more this
week, not just during the storms.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">3. Look out. This is where I am able to
do things with God’s strength and not only with Him but also with others—with
my faith community. This is not just Jesus and other and you spells JOY. But I
think this is relying on the gift of others—those we know are safe people—to
help us see what God is doing in our lives and being able to share when we see
Him working in others. This is me sitting with drinks at the bar (Bar Louie!)
and laughing with a friend because we are remembering the joy that comes from
life and then talking in hushed tones because we’re working through the crap of
life together too. It’s knowing you are seen and heard and that happens by
being with others. From those places—those safe places—we are able to go out
and be a safe place for others as we live out who we are. Good friends who love
God love us enough to say He’s made you this way and He wants nothing less for
your life because He’s good. And we can bless them before they go out into the
unsafe places again. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Go in peace, friend. Know you are loved. Know
you are seen. </span></i></div>
Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15847251208369054049noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3801295639775508234.post-40622907817074747532015-09-14T07:37:00.002-07:002015-09-14T19:13:04.271-07:00Hands FullI'm doing a Faith Challenge for work where they give me a prompt to reflect on each day for the next 30 days. I haven't written in so long that I thought I would share some of my journaling, as I feel I want, with you here. Here's Day 1...<br />
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<u>Sept 14</u></div>
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Reflect on how you will use His strength and guidance.</div>
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Philippians 4:13</div>
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What are your goals for this challenge? How will you become
the best version of you in the next 30 days?</div>
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<br /></div>
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In The Message, Philippians 4:11–14 says: </div>
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<span class="text"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I
don’t have a sense of needing anything personally. I’ve learned by now to be
quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with
much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether
full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I
can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. I don’t mean
that your help didn’t mean a lot to me—it did. It was a beautiful thing that
you came alongside me in my troubles.</span></i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span class="text"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I’ve been having trouble with
contentment. My Sunday morning confessional prayer over and over is: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">God, I’m sorry I don’t trust you.</i> When
I’m discontent, I think He isn’t for me or with me. I start to try to make
things happen on my own. As Brené Brown says, you can’t script a conversation.
I think it’s a similar concept—I can't script my life. I shouldn’t script my life
with all of my plans. Sometimes things just happen or as OneRepublic says,
“there’s bullsh-t that don’t work out.” There is plenty that hasn’t worked out,
at least in my timing. If I was 12 or even 16 looking at my life today, I would
think I had it all—great husband, wonderful (3!) kids, and my dream job as an
editor. Plus, we have a church we love. Talk about “hands full” (see above in
Philippians). That’s it. I’m hands full. To the brim. I can’t even hear myself
think to remember this is good, that my life is good. I’m bogged by the
expectations of being a good mom and wife and employee. Those things feel so
BIG.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="text"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">But for as much as those things are
big, God is bigger. His expectations of me are lower than my own and His love and care is
bigger. I sometimes wonder if I’m the one taking care of my family, then who is
taking care of me? This is why I’m tired and weak. When I’m weak, strangely, I
take over more. I try harder. I’ve been working on not saying these phrases to
myself: “I’m trying” and “I should…” because I know those are the times I’m
about to take over my own life and put a burden upon myself. A burden that
weakens me and makes me feel less than I am. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am </i><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Philippians 4:13, The Message)</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">.</i></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span class="text"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My goals for this challenge are simply
to write my thoughts each day. That is actually a huge step for me. When I
write, I’m relying on the Holy Spirit to shake things loose and work in me.
When I write, I’m actually giving up control. I’m becoming more of me when I
let the words flow. And I haven’t been in this place in a long time. My friend
Denise once started her blog with “Where have I been all my life?” I don’t want
that to be my question when I’m nearing my last decades. But to even make it
that far with wholehearted decades behind me, I need to write.</span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">
Writing reminds me of who I am, what I have, and what God is doing through His
strength and timing, not my own.</span></div>
Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15847251208369054049noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3801295639775508234.post-39023053953150313072014-07-20T14:41:00.003-07:002014-07-20T16:17:03.280-07:00She Went Wahoo<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OsUHD8LFEUs/U8w0T1ak4aI/AAAAAAAAATs/2LcnBat50MY/s1600/WahooPic.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OsUHD8LFEUs/U8w0T1ak4aI/AAAAAAAAATs/2LcnBat50MY/s1600/WahooPic.jpeg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="line-height: 14.55pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><i>Catherine Boyd: You took Albert Einstein for a ride on
that thing?<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 14.55pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><i>Ed Walters: Sure.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 14.55pt; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 16px;">Catherine Boyd: </span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Well, don't ever do that again!<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div style="line-height: 14.55pt; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 16px;">Ed Walters:</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> Come on. He loved it. He went Wahoo.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div style="line-height: 14.55pt; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 16px;">Catherine Boyd:</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> Wahoo?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div style="line-height: 14.55pt; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 16px;">Ed Walters:</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> When's the last time he said Wahoo?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div style="line-height: 14.55pt; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 16px;">Catherine Boyd:</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> Well, I'm sure I don't know.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div style="line-height: 14.55pt; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 16px;">Ed Walters:</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> When's the last time *you* said Wahoo?<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Catherine Boyd: Well, I'm *sure* I don't know.</span></i></div>
<div style="line-height: 14.55pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><i> -I.Q. movie</i></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 14.55pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 14.55pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Earlier this year we traded in my beloved SUV that was dying for a car. I
have been a little unsure about this car. (I was unsure about the SUV at first too.
I don’t like change, people!) We chose this kind car for the safety. I have to
take large hills to work and this has AWD to get me where I need to go.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Beyond the practical, I admit it’s fun to drive. It has lots
of gadgets, seat warmers, and a sunroof. Beside our home, it might be the
loveliest thing we own. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">But it’s hard for me to think of owning nice things. Isn’t
being excited about tangible things a sin? Most days, when I get in the car,
this is where my mind goes: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It’s just a
car, Becca. It takes you where you need to go. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t be happy about it in any way.</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Something happened to me last Friday though. I was coming
home after working from Panera Bread, and I decided to open the sunroof all the
way. I turned up the music and started singing at the top of my lungs. I was
inches away from sticking my hand straight out of the sunroof at a stoplight. I
sounded ridiculous, and I looked ridiculous (at least as it goes in my book).</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The light turned green, and I hit the gas pedal. The engine
revved, and I felt my heart swell. I heard the Voice. My God saying, “Drink
deeply of the joy, my child.” Even now, thinking of that moment leaves me
breathless.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I don't drink deeply. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I let fear, pride, and confusion wrestle joy out of me
over and over. I don’t ever use the word happy. Ever. But some moments just
lend themselves to happiness. It’s not meant to last forever but just. Enjoy.
The moment. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Tell God "thank you." Kiss your loved ones. Throw your hands
in the air and say, “Wahoo!” Sing Weezer’s “Pork and Beans” song at the top of
your lungs. Move your hips side to side if you want to. That’s what Kyla did at
two years old, when she heard a Weezer song.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">God is not absent in these moments. He’s there too. Why
can’t we picture Him smiling with us? He might even be singing along too. We
know that He sings over us. Revel in His delight in your delight over His gifts
and His presence.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This is all part of the abundant life. And it’s really not
about the things. But it is about our acknowledgement that every good and
perfect gift, whether it’s a need fulfilled or something just plain for the
fun, is from God. It’s not earned. It’s given. We are beckoned to take and
receive and rejoice.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">A few months ago my brother posted <a href="http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/practical-faith/5-signs-you-may-have-wrong-view-god" target="_blank">a link about common wrong views people have about God</a>. I said something under the article about how freeing the article is. Well, a woman who is an acquaintance of mine got on
there and CAP LOCK YELLED at me. She hollered about how all we talk about is
God’s love and what about His wrath and His justice? To which I replied that
she was accusing us of focusing on a couple of God’s attributes while she was
doing the same, and that of course God is so much more than that. The article
wasn’t meant to be exhaustive related to who God is. More CAP LOCK YELLING ensued
to the point where I was informed that God’s favor came upon Jesus at His
baptism because of <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">what He did</b> when He was a
child, not who He is as the Son. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I ended my side of the conversation then. And….commence
closing laptop now.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Nope. God doesn’t gift us because of what we have done. He
gives freely with no prerequisite and no expectation afterward. But when we see
who He is, what He has done, we can’t help but worship and respond to Him out
of those things. We even learn more about who we are and where He is working in
our lives. He does all of this for us.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">When He said, “Drink deeply” that morning, He loosed the
chains on my heart. He set right the lies I believed. He brought the gift of
joy and His truth to replace wrong beliefs. He put me at ease.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">He has and is doing this in many other ways in my life.
In broken places I never thought could be put back together this side of eternity.
In ways I never, ever thought could happen.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Yet, here He is speaking. Loving, reveling in me and with
me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 14.55pt; text-align: justify;">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Our (parent church) pastor’s wife asks over and over, “Who
gets to live like this?” She’s not asking this because her life is rosy. She’s
asking because God has awakened her to His presence and His gifts in the midst
of difficulties. I happen to know some of her difficulties. It’s not all
sunshine and roses. But it is God giving joy and hope in dark, scary places.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This is the good news, friends. Eternal life—true, abundant
life—is a gift and it starts now. Not when Jesus shows up again and “rewards” people
for what they have (or have not) done. That is in the Bible but that’s not all
we have. It’s not all we cling to in the day to day. We don’t have some day,
some later time when we’re allowed to be happy. He’s not telling us to wait
until the end of this age to actually enjoy something.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">He’s giving us moments at stoplights. He’s giving us little
baby giggles that piece my heart back together after loss. He’s giving us
ooey-gooey, fat-filled s’mores, drives into the mountains, and moments of throwing our head
back in an all-out belly laugh. (I once got shushed for laughing like that on a
camping trip. Apparently, it wasn’t refined behavior for a godly woman.) </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I’m going “wahoo.” I’m throwing my hands up and letting the
Wind—the Spirit—blow past me on the open road.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">When was the last time you went “wahoo?” Have you ever?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">This is your permission. As
a child of the One who gives “wahoos,” I want you to know you can take and drink deeply of
His joy today. Who gets to live like this? We do.</span></div>
Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15847251208369054049noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3801295639775508234.post-11754323537726809862014-07-05T21:38:00.004-07:002014-07-05T23:15:04.406-07:00Wear I Am<i>"Children raised in cults do not have any identity to return to when they leave. 'Trying on' different hair-dos, colors, and clothing is normal." -Elizabeth Esther</i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
I turn left. Then right. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The door is less than an arms length away. I want to escape
but the growing lump in my throat keeps me in my place. Maybe the emotions caught
just below my chin will go away.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One more glance in the mirror and then a quick lift up of my
heels.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I ask myself, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hmmm…with
a cardigan?</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A shake of my head and I look at the growing pile of
rejections.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I trudge to the salesperson. Throat lump still there, I
mutter, “These didn’t work.” I hold out the handful of hangers as walk to the
door, eyeing the selection of shoes before escaping again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I come home and set a bag from Ross and one from Target onto
the kitchen floor.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You found clothes?!” Jeff asks.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’m taking them all back except for a shirt,” I snap.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
His face falls. “Okay. Why?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My eyes fill with tears.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I just don’t know how to dress.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This same scenario has been happening for years. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t know how to dress because I have been dressing like
someone more than twice my age for two decades.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A quick glance of my old photo albums and you will spot a
girl who dressed in long sleeves at summer camp.<br />
<br />
You will see me in knee-length shorts that look like men’s
dress shorts and a men’s large sized t-shirt. My favorite dress as a fifteen
year old was denim, wide at the waist with gathers that helps it flare away
from my body, not toward it. In truth, it looked like a maternity dress.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jHhvKS1wNkI/U7jRvjr-qLI/AAAAAAAAATc/Ak8eEOxA-F8/s1600/FloralDress.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jHhvKS1wNkI/U7jRvjr-qLI/AAAAAAAAATc/Ak8eEOxA-F8/s1600/FloralDress.jpg" height="228" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">(Click photo to enlarge) Here I am at summer camp (on right). Similar style to my denim dress, only this one is head to toe floral. I look like a garden threw up on me. Also, I'm wearing pantihose under that dress. (Summer 1996)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Capris and Bermuda shorts weren’t in style in the 90s. If
one of us happened to spot a knee-length set of shorts that looked even
half-way cute, we all bought a pair. One summer it was a wide-legged set of
overall shorts from Mervyn's. These were acceptable for camp, mission trips, and
leading VBS. I was extra popular that summer because I spotted them first and
let the other girls knew where to find them.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is what I was taught is right. This is what I know. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s still my main mode. Over the years I‘ve been told I
dress frumpy, plain, and boring. I have to work extra hard when I go shopping
for clothes to find what is an expression of me that also fits my body shape.
Most importantly, I have to tell myself over and over that it’s okay to even
ask those questions. It’s enough to induce tears in the dressing room and a
quick flee from the store.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My husband has been so good to me in this particular part of
my journey. In fact I have a decent wardrobe now with enough things to put
together. Only trouble is I can’t wear about half of them due to the arrival of
our sweet baby boy this last year. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And with only half a wardrobe, I’m faced with the prospect
of going back to those questions about what fits my (new) body shape and
finding more items to express myself. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I begin again. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s enough to paralyze me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In truth, I am a pretty practical lady. I do know that much
about me. My favorite outfit of all outfits is a white shirt, jeans, brown
shoes (sandals or boots, depending on the season). I have a cardigan obsession,
which I’m pretty sure is a result of wanting to emulate the timeless look of
fictional bookshop owner Kathleen Kelly. I also love scarves and hats. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I think on these accessories, I wonder if they are not
just practical but my attempts at trying convey myself within the confines of
what I know is acceptable.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
More layers? Yes, please. Are layers my choice of “armor”
designed to protect me somehow? Probably.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I don’t know any other way.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Adding to my confusion is the fact that I work in a creative
environment. I can wear a t-shirt and jeans but I do like to dress up. I like
to show what I’m capable of doing for the company by what I put on in the
morning. I want to exude the confidence I have in my calling by what I wear
when I walk through the doors.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I never thought I would be faced with all of this confusion
in my thirties but it’s a pretty crazy mixture at this point. For all the
soul-searching I’ve done since escaping fundamentalism and the strong beliefs I
have about courage, this area of how to dress pierces me and weakens my
confidence in no time.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Turn left. Turn right. Which way is me? I don’t know.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m stepping out again this summer. Trying not to run for
the exit too soon. Sometime this month, I’m taking a friend with me to go
shopping. She’s going to help me. I showed her my “Fashionista” board on
Pinterest and she seems to think I do have a particular style. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We’re going to try to find it in a store.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m not going to give up. It just may help to have someone
with me to block the dressing room door and say, “Try again, Becca. Try again.
It’s okay.”</div>
Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15847251208369054049noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3801295639775508234.post-10629160442813601752014-03-23T17:46:00.001-07:002014-03-24T10:29:35.777-07:00What I Will Not Put Up With<div class="MsoNormal">
One of the first times I interacted with Jeff, he told me he
planned to be a youth pastor. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Be nice to the kids in your youth group, okay?” was my
reply.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At the time I had no idea why those words were my reaction.
A quizzical look crossed Jeff’s face. He promised me he would be nice to the
kids in his youth group.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This conversation took place just weeks after my leaving
home for college.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had a pretty good family life growing up. My dad worked
hard to put my brother and I through Christian schools. My mom was always
around and took an interest in our likes and dislikes. In the few years we
homeschooled in between Christian schools, mom took us all over the state to
visit museums and parks. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We spent our Sunday mornings going to church and then to lunch
as a family where we caught up on what happened during our week. Dad was often
working a second job, which was also a favorite hobby of his, on evenings and
Saturdays. So Sunday dinners were a good time to be together to talk. I felt
loved and understood among my family. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Such was not always the case in my church. My dad desired
for my brother and I to know the Bible well. I believe this is the reason I do
know it and love it so much today. Because of his desire, we not only attended
Christian school, we went to a church that taught the Bible verse by verse. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I received many good things from my church. We had a steady
community of friends I was able to grow up with and I received opportunities to
attend summer camps and participate in mission trips for many years. Our church
was also good at putting children front and center. We served alongside adults
at outreaches. As a teenager, my friends and I got to run the VBS while the
adults were the secondary volunteers.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Many of my days at my church were good days. I have some fond
memories.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
However, much of the difficulty began when I entered youth
group.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The summer before entering seventh grade, we received a
stern talk. I remember what I was wearing that day. A pink t-shirt with flowers
in the front and flowy, flowered coulottes that matched. They were a couple
inches from hitting my knees. That night we found out that any shorts above our
knees were immodest and now against the rules.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I remember shame washing over me. From my head to my toes, I
felt dirty and sorry for something I would never have even known was a problem a
few hours prior. I was still young
enough that I had never even shaved my legs and here I was with this tremendous
guilt over a pair of flowered coulottes.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The push regarding purity continued. That fall our youth
pastor launched a series on dating. My best friend Amy and I sat on the front
pew each week. We were the perpetual good girls. We wanted to do everything
right for Jesus. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We found out that if a guy has a bad thought about us, it’s
our fault. We vowed to never kiss a boy before being married. We giggled on the
phone about such things. But deep down I think we were trying to process
thought patterns that were outside our age as well as the unhealthy focus of male
and female relationships placed on us for years. That was only the beginning.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Other confusing messages followed. Don’t listen to music
that has a beat. It’s Satan’s tool because drums cause your heart to race to a
certain pattern and then the Holy Spirit no longer has control over your life.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Another youth pastor came and he made rude comments to kids
who played sports. As mentioned in another post, he told me God would make me
break my ankle if I continued to play volleyball because it was my “god.” I
just liked playing. That’s all. It was fun. I played while maintaining a place
on the youth group leadership team. He did not like that I had not been able to
attend a retreat because I had practices that week.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When my parents separated during my junior year, this particular
pastor accused me of “not having enough faith.” He did this in front of the
whole youth group during Sunday School.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That familiar sense of shame found its way from my head to
my toes again that day. The whole group turned to look at me. I fought back
tears and looked at the floor until I could run out after we were dismissed. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I ran to my dad in tears. He took me our Senior Pastor, who
I believe did have a heart of compassion for us, even though he could sometimes
be strict about things like women staying in their place and the fact that he
didn’t like the college I attended. He didn’t hold back his opinion regarding
those things.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All of these experiences welled up deep inside of me. And so
when Jeff said he was going to be a youth pastor, I responded in what must have
seemed like the strangest response imaginable.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was afraid that this guy I was beginning to fall for would
end up mistreating young people in the church and I couldn’t let it happen as
far as I could stop it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Through college and beyond, Jeff and I managed to stay in
more non-denominational congregations that did not hold so tight to rules about
music and dress and a woman’s place.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We experienced even more freedom when we entered the
particular church we’ve been attending since Kyla was about three years old.
With an emphasis on who God is and what He has done for us, rather than what we should do or not do, we realize that we
are free to respond to His leading out of those things. Not out of obligation.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The spirit of shame is far from those pews and those doors.
It gives me hope. I feel as if I have a healthier path to walk out my calling.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I remain concerned about leadership in the church. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You see, believe it or not, our parent church is on the
opposite end of the same street as the church of my childhood.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I find this poetic.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Being in my hometown means I run into people from my former
church. I see the building from time to time. I have even attended some events,
such as weddings, there in the last few years. Sometimes my heart gets confused
and I am taken back into those moments of shame.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Adding to the confusion is a phone call I received a few
years ago. The message I heard that day took me by surprise. I almost couldn’t
breathe.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You see someone I have known most of my life was abused by a
person in my former church. It was serious. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wish I could say that the leadership acted appropriately
in handling this issue once it was brought to them. But they did not. They
re-victimized this person and tried to cover it all up. They tried to convince the
abused that it may not have actually happened.*</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This has been the turning point for me. I cannot abide the
type of behavior that covers up abuse. I will not put up with it. This is
beyond a youth pastor who wants control, a church leader who says terrible
things to teenagers that embarrasses them in front of their fellow friends, or someone
who uses shaming language to get their way. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When the news broke about the abuse, my childhood church was
already going through a difficult split and the most recent senior pastor was on
the verge of leaving. I get that the board was under a lot of pressure.
However, I have been left wondering if I was ever really safe there? I don’t know.
Probably not.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
See these tendencies to want control over a congregation are
not harmless. They breed an atmosphere where it’s not okay to bring sin to the
light. And sin in the light is the only way for there to be healing.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The same year that this information was brought to my attention
through a phone call, Jeff and I moved to another state. It was hard to be in a
new faith community where I was unsure how our family would be treated. It was also
hard to watch from afar as people I love began hurting from a pastor leaving
and a leadership coming unraveled. Hurtful words and actions were exchanged.
More terrible secrets came out about people I respected for decades. It was
ugly.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It hurt.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
During that time it was also difficult not to have the regular support
of our parent church anymore, the one that had shown us freedom. They had walked
alongside us and, whether they knew it or not, had aided in a lot of my
healing. They taught us that true leadership means shepherding and <a href="http://www.pearusa.org/pearusanews/featured/orienting-towards-lent-by-bishop-ken-ross" target="_blank">a shepherd does not harm his sheep when they wander off</a>. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Control and abuse are not God’s best. This is not how He
desires for His people to live. I will shout it from the rooftops. I will join
others in <a href="http://beccawithpeninhand.blogspot.com/2014/03/our-song.html" target="_blank">singing a new song</a>. I will strive, as far as it be with me, to allow
for the truth to be a part of our faith communities.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No more children with shame washing over them. No more
victims being abused and then re-victimized over and over again. I will speak.
For there has been silence long enough.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I pray on many days for the survivors of abuse in the
church. I pray for their healing. I pray that current leaders can shepherd,
truly shepherd, in ways that build up the people in their congregations. In ways
that strengthen all of us in the church.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>May it be so, Lord. We are Your people. We need Your help.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Cambria;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">*My childhood church has
since made some appropriate decisions regarding this situation. Damage was
done, but I’m glad they did not continue on this same path of mistreating the
victim.</span></span><!--EndFragment-->
Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15847251208369054049noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3801295639775508234.post-19872594697795938082014-03-11T16:54:00.001-07:002014-03-11T16:54:59.390-07:00Our Song<div class="MsoNormal">
I open my Book to look for words for a blessing but quickly
have to turn the page. I am unable to handle the black ink spelling out
Galatians 6:7.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Do not be deceived:
God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I cannot bear the words. These are not words of blessing for
me. For they were used time and time again as a way to control and shame. I
have to take God’s own words to Him and cry out for help. His story, His song,
is meant for freedom. But it has been abused. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We have been abused. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
___________</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t know when I stumbled upon <a href="http://www.elizabethesther.com/" target="_blank">her blog</a>. The first time I
dismissed the posts as being rants from a slightly-angry, perhaps even bitter,
girl who can’t move beyond her past.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
However, within a short amount of time, I found my way back.
One times, two times, even three.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Soon, I realized that the words found on these electronic
pages are me. I may be the slightly-angry, perhaps even bitter sometimes, girl
with a past full of hurt.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My story is not <a href="http://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2014/march/raised-in-christian-cult.html?paging=off" target="_blank">Esther’s story</a>. But I know what she is
saying. As if I am about to take my part in a chorus where I know what comes
next. I know the words because I lived them. I know the tune and the tone
because I have practiced them over and over in my head.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know something else. I know there is a wrestling that
comes with finding new words and new tunes. I know that there can be freedom to
sing and to mess up too. It’s called practice. One is not perfect from the
first measure.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And there are others joining this new chorus. There are
others taking the hymns and the verses played over and over in our heads, who
are changing the tune. Some of it just a bit. Other times we’re rewriting with
barely a trace of the original song there.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We are stepping up to the high risers, just a bit closer to
our God, who has been there all along. It’s just now we can see Him.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We are standing side by side.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We are shouting when it is necessary. From the bell towers,
with the potential to ring. We know we were once locked there. Now we have <a href="https://momastery.com/blog/2014/01/28/beautiful-rowdy-prisoners-3/" target="_blank">some of the keys</a>.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We are shedding those awful, frumpy choir robes. The ones
that helped us conform. The ones that protected our modesty. Because apparently
that was <i>their</i> job. They gave us the robes. We are leaving them on the steps as
we take our true places in the church. Sometimes it is in the pulpit, when we
were told to stay in the nursery.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Our voices grow louder. Others can hear it in the hills. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We say come. Sing with all you have, in your own way, in your
own timing. It’s okay.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And there is prayer. Oh so much prayer in between the songs.
When the music stops, we listen. We listen for the Savior, our true Director.
And not the enemy.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We pray for healing. We pray for hope. We pray for one
another.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We are together. One chorus. We will not go away. We will
not be shamed. We will not grow quiet, unless The Director tells us to.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We <a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="_GoBack"></a>hold hands sometimes. We walk in
faith. We trust there is goodness in the words and the tune, always has been in
His song, even when we didn’t know it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We will take our places in the pews when it is necessary.
Sometimes it’s the back row. And that is good too. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For all places in the Church are facing the same cross. We
are fixed on Him. On His suffering. His own lamenting tune, growing into a
chorus of hope. We gather bells. But we do not ring them. Not yet. For though
we know there is a coda, we see the right repeat signs. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Some days we are back at the beginning. At least we know we
can make it more than a measure. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We think.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And the music plays on. We are not deceived. We know there
is a way forward. We are learning to live the Songwriter’s tempo. His rhythm.
His way. We’re singing His words one note, one page at a time.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
___________</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dedicated to those who have the courage to begin singing the
new tune. Here are the names of a few. I know there are others. Perhaps it is
you.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://www.elizabethesther.com/" target="_blank">Elizabeth Esther </a>(Elizabeth Esther's <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Girl-End-World-Escape-Fundamentalism/dp/0307731871/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1394581680&sr=8-1&keywords=girl+at+the+end+of+the+world" target="_blank">book releases March 18th</a>)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://redemptionpictures.com/2014/02/28/bill-gothard-homeschool-cult/" target="_blank">Micah Murray</a><br />
<a href="http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2014/january-web-only/how-i-beat-back-darkness-after-rape.html" target="_blank">Halee Gray Scott</a></div>
Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15847251208369054049noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3801295639775508234.post-90013144118497356822013-12-21T15:05:00.001-08:002013-12-21T19:31:28.939-08:00When January Comes<div class="MsoNormal">
Even though August often feels like a time in my life for a
fresh start, I’m almost always tempted to do a little goal-making in January. I
mean, all the cool kids are writing resolutions or picking a word for the year.
Seems like a good idea. It’s a way to be intentional. I like intentionality.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Only trouble is that when I set goals they end up being this
obsession for me. I lean into tasks so far and so hard that I tend to step over
the lines of intentionality and go straight to being a “I have to do this or
else I will be a failure” obsession. I know this about myself. I haven’t always
known it but I have for a good four years or so.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As a result, I’ve tried to scale back my expectations. One
year I picked a word for the year because I sensed God was working something
specific out in my life. It turned out to be a good thing as over and over the
Holy Spirit whispered that word to me and I was able to persevere through the
particular circumstances that year brought.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then this last year came. I thought I went into 2013 pretty
open-handed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wanted to set some small goals related to exercise. I’ve
always had this little problem with sticking to an exercise routine. It’s not
entirely my fault. Our schedule tends to change about every six to nine months
and I get interrupted. One semester Jeff is running the girls to school so I
have early mornings free. Then, the next semester he’s driving to Denver more
so I am on drop <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and</i> pick-up duty. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This has been our life. When seminary ended for Jeff last
December, more time opened up.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I decided I wanted to start some cardio routines so that I
could feel good while climbing up to Ruybalid Lake with my family in July and
run the Run for Rwanda in August. Those were my goals. I have wanted to do
these things for years. In fact, I’ve wanted to see Ruybalid Lake since I was a
little girl.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In addition to the exercise, Jeff and I began talking about my possibly pursuing a certificate in Spiritual Direction. He was done with
school. Surely, I could fit in one evening a week to attend classes and some
other time to write papers and work on projects. He’d been doing this for years
already. Now we would swap who was doing the learning.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By February I was feeling pretty good about my decisions.
Until I had to go to Urgent Care twice in one week. At first the doctors
treated me for something routine but the medicine didn’t clear it up so off I
went to see my regular doctors a couple of times. They sent tests to the lab. Still
no answers. March turned into late April and I finally saw a specialist.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She basically told me my problem was the result of stress.
She told me to slow down and I had to change my diet issues that were causing
some of the pain I was experiencing. (Bye, bye black coffee, by the way.) </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The day after I saw the specialist, I found out I was
pregnant. (cue bellowing laughter) Sure, slow down and take it easy to let go
of stress. No problem now. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I started eating everything in sight and never went for a single
run.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By now you’ve probably figured out that I didn’t meet any of
my goals this year. I could have done the Run for Rwanda as a walker but I have
been way too sick with this pregnancy to do anything other than go to work and
then come home and lay on the couch.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I tried to do some teaching at church this fall but that
didn’t quite work out as planned either. I’m having to let go of many, many
things I thought I would be able to do after Jeff finished seminary. I dreamed
of freedom and us being able to go camping and a whole host of other things
that just haven’t happened. I don’t know (again) when they will.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m learning to grieve and be grateful in other ways. I’m
uncovering new layers of sadness and healing that remain from the miscarriages.
I’m discovering that I just may have to sit still and “be” in new ways come
this January. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think one of the downsides of setting goals can be that
there is little to no room for surprises. Good surprises. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I look back over this year, I feel the exhaustion and the
weight of having carried this little one (thankfully, oh so thankfully) almost
to term. He is due later this week.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I have these moments where my heart feels like it just
might burst from all that unexpectedly took place in the month of November when
Jeff became a priest and we hosted our first service as a church plant all in
the same week. (Uhhh….I guess we should talk about five-year-long goals
happening that I had given up on…?) </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LXApnwb3o3g/UrYeOoPe-FI/AAAAAAAAAS0/ouYAadh6O08/s1600/KenPrayingOverStones.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LXApnwb3o3g/UrYeOoPe-FI/AAAAAAAAAS0/ouYAadh6O08/s320/KenPrayingOverStones.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">At Jeff's ordination, Bishop Ken praying over our family with his hand on my baby bump.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I also had a baby shower thrown by some of my favorite
people who prayed over me and blessed me in ways too numerous to count. These
people could care less if I met some sort of goal this year or not. They could
care less if I am able to teach or get a certificate in anything. They don’t
say my worth as a woman is found in the number of children I have, though they
certainly are there to love my children right along with me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I couldn’t ask for more right now and I couldn’t have
anticipated any of that last January. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yesterday, I was looking at our family calendar and realized
we literally have nothing written down for the month of January. Nothing.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, we will have church meetings to attend and services to
lead. Those are a given as that is becoming our life now *tiny squeal and sigh
of relief* and I will probably add those regular events in some time soon. I
love being with our church family and it makes me smile each time we are preparing
to be with them again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I also really liked seeing all those days open with
possibility. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have no idea what 2014 will bring. I have to admit I’ve
told people that I kind of hope it’s boring. Though I’m not sure that is
possible for the Stones. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Maybe ask me after January?</div>
Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15847251208369054049noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3801295639775508234.post-41277954913553998392013-11-03T15:30:00.001-08:002013-11-03T18:20:14.625-08:00Searching for Great Women and Men in Church HistoryThis is my second part of a post. You can read the first part <a href="http://beccawithpeninhand.blogspot.com/2013/10/thoughts-on-wednesday.html" target="_blank">here</a>.<br />
<br />
*******<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 22.390625px;">"I befriended a man once, an old Irish-Catholic chaplain named Paul. One day he said </span><em style="background-color: white; line-height: 22.390625px;">do you know what God’s going to ask you when you get to heaven?</em><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 22.390625px;"> </span><em style="background-color: white; line-height: 22.390625px;">God’s going to ask if you found out who you were supposed to be." - <a href="http://mandysteward.com/home/iamthrashing-thedoubt" target="_blank">John Blase, </a></em><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 22.390625px;"><a href="http://mandysteward.com/home/iamthrashing-thedoubt" target="_blank">The Doubt</a></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Turns out that when you search on the internet for “Great
Women in Church History,” you find out that women are intimidating and we might
take over the world. Therefore, we must be stopped.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You think I’m kidding. Try the title of this famous sermon
from John Knox:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">First
Blast of the Trumpet Against the Monstrous Regiment of Women</span> <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No joke. Monstrous Regiment of Women.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The page I pulled up also included misogynistic quotes from
Origen, Martin Luther, and John Calvin.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh dear…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, I’m thinking about what this means for my girls. For the
one who declared she will be a “girl pastor” and the older one with leadership
leanings.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know this: I won’t squelch it. I want to find healthy ways
of feeding into what God is already doing in their hearts, even if their little
heart is only in Kindergarten.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I think about these things for myself and for my girls,
I’m preparing to read a book called <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Jesus-Feminist-Invitation-Revisit-Bibles/dp/1476717257/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1383521105&sr=8-2" target="_blank">Jesus Feminist</a></i>. I know. The title is…interesting, huh?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m very excited about this book. Not because I believe in
girl power. Not because I want to adopt this title for myself. In fact, I think
we better consider long and hard and pray and converse with trusted people if
we are going to adopt a strong title like feminist. I’m excited because the
author of this book <a href="http://www.chrisdikes.com/2013/10/16/writer-talk-in-which-i-talk-writing-with-sarah-bessey/" target="_blank">recently said this about <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jesus Feminist</i></a>:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">“…the book is less about Christian feminism and more about the kingdom
of God and what it looks like when we are all walking in fullness and freedom
together. I see it as this kind of a love letter, maybe a provocative love
letter, to the church that I really love to come outside.”</span></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We need some sort of this call to the church. We need better
ways of living out what God has called for <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">all</b>
of His children, men and women. How can it be the good news otherwise? Would
Jesus die for life, full and abundant, to be handed only to a select few,
limited by gender, race, or age?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think not.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As we talk about the ideas of equality and let the
conversation of God’s gifting to each of His children open up, I want to be
cautious of not sliding into saying this “movement” can only come from women
now, given the history of what men have said and done that was oppressive.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While I want my girls to be surrounded by strong women who
are confidently living out of who God made them to be, I can say the same about
the men. I want the girls in the presence of men who step out in faith and
trust Him with His church, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">all</b> of
His church. In fact, I know from my own life that I gained a lot of my own
voice from a handful of respected men who saw not my gender but my place in
God’s kingdom. They heard me and treated me like a human being, never a second-rate child of God who should know my place and my (man-made) roles. They opened
up opportunities for me to use my words and talents among God’s people with no questions
asked.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That is what I hope for in the church. That is what I dream
of when I think of my son, still in my womb, growing up do too.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We can’t change the past in the church, and I believe there
are still female role models in church history to help my girls discover. We
have found a few to read about: Deborah (judge and military leader from the
Book of Judges), Blandina and Joan of Arc (Christian martyrs and saints),
Catherine Booth and Evangeline Booth (founders of the Salvation Army, mother
and daughter!).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In addition, I will keep talking with Kyla about leadership
and allow Kaelyn to tell me over and over about all she wants to be when she grows
up. They should know what it’s like to be able to express themselves with confidence
and receive respect. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I will surround them with God’s people who offer space for
my little women to do the same.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I will sit them in the front row this week as we watch their
daddy take some vows and put on a stole, symbolizing a yoke, around his neck to
show his willingness to step into his calling as a priest in God’s church. They
know this calling has <a href="http://beccawithpeninhand.blogspot.com/2013/07/now.html" target="_blank">taken five long years of walking through an ordination process to complete</a>. They have walked it with us.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
May we as the people of God never be a monstrous regiment of
anything. May we be fully His, fully free, and fully living into who He gifted
all of us to be.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
What will a young mom find when she searches on the internet
for that in a century?</div>
Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15847251208369054049noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3801295639775508234.post-22171002900606406982013-10-23T20:05:00.000-07:002013-11-03T15:35:55.440-08:00Thoughts on a Wednesday<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Here the truth of what I’m doing in this moment. Right now.
Today.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I’m sitting in a Starbucks with a lump in my throat because
I want so very badly to write a blog post and the tears are seconds from
flowing. Today has been just such a Wednesday, which included fixing a mistake
I made on a project, forgetting to leave Kaelyn’s car seat for Aunt Susie to
take the girls to Chick-fil-a (heard about that one via a phone call!),
attending two parent teacher conferences, finally finishing lunch at 3pm,
running (<i>running!</i>) Kyla to soccer practice, calling the doctor’s office nine
minutes before they close to make an appointment for next week, and getting
ready to grab dinner on my way to a church plant meeting after I get Kyla.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">There is so very little left of this lady who is also almost
thirty-one weeks pregnant with baby number three.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">But I’m writing. I’m making my fingers move across the keys
(and telling you all of my problems with Wednesday, I guess) because it’s the
only remedy I know for the lump in my throat. It’s the only way I know to loosen
up my mind, and my heart, and my words stored up that need to be come out. When
I’m not creating, I feel empty. I need to create. I need to write.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">So, here we go…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Did you know I completed two internships in college? It’s
true. I had two distinct passions and though I can see how they overlap,
it required me to complete two summers in a row doing two different types of
work.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The first of the internships was as an administrative
assistant at my church. I took phone calls, attended staff meetings, watered
plants, and transcribed my pastor’s sermons. I have fond memories of that
summer. I only got paid $40 a week. But at the end of the summer, the church
took an offering and I was blessed with quite a big paycheck. I remain grateful
for those allowed me to share a testimony about my summer from the pulpit and
who gave to support me as I returned to school.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The following year, I was <a href="http://beccawithpeninhand.blogspot.com/2011/12/on-fear-and-finding-courage.html" target="_blank">gaining confidence again</a> in my
writing and editing skills. The summer before, when I worked at the church, another
woman on staff told me about her daughter-in-law who worked at Navigators. Then, sometime
in that year, my uncle gave me the name of a man who worked at Navigators. Turns
out the daughter-in-law and the man who knows my uncle worked together! I landed
an internship working in the communications department of Navigators. I loved
that job! So fun.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">My first cubicle job. I wore my best skirts with my cardigan
sweater sets and scarves. As I recall, I could have worn jeans or dress pants
but most of the time I didn’t. I wanted to be seen as professional, mature, and
capable, I suppose. I am grateful for my editors and the fun team meetings we
held at The Ledge in Old Colorado City. I also discovered it’s very important
to proofread or else you might send out something to thousands of donors about
how their money went to rebuilding a damn instead of a dam. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I look back on both of those summers with fondness. I see
how God used those few months of my life to shape me into the person I am today.
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I remain grateful for that as I work my current job in my
cubicle. I take seriously my call to faithfully teach children and families
about Jesus via curriculum and other written materials. I am looking forward to
leading a growing church plant on the east side of Colorado Springs, and
though I am so tired when I arrive to our meetings on Wednesday evenings, there is no other
place I’d rather be. I love our people. I love what God is allowing our family
to get to do in this season as we build, and pray, and listen for His leading
each day.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I hope over and over for the same for my girls. I pray for
that all the time. I want God to speak to them so that they are stepping into
who God made them to be even now.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Gratefully, I see this happening. Last weekend, we drove
past the History and Bible museum Jeff is working at temporarily. Kaelyn says,
“When I grow up, I’m going to work at that museum like daddy.” I should mention
this little girl loves and adores her daddy! Kyla corrected her and reminded
her the museum is only in our town for a few more months before it moves to
another place.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I chimed in with, “Kaelyn, you know that daddy is a pastor,
right? He leads our new church.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">She replies with, “Well then, I will be a pastor too. I will
be a girl pastor.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Okay, then. She also informed me that day that she plans to
open a restaurant that serves pizza, tacos, burritos, and hot-mild sauce (that’s
what she calls Taco Bell sauce). It will be called the Mixture Restaurant. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Not more than an hour later, I found myself at Target with
the girls looking for Halloween costumes. Kae found her outfit right away but
we spent almost another hour wandering around for Kyla. She has a very specific
idea in mind to be a fairy on a cartoon she watches. I was having a hard time
picturing the outfit she was explaining. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I suggested we go home and watch part of the cartoon so I
could see the outfit. Well, first of all, Jeff and I have both watched this
show with the girls. But I had forgotten that when they change into fairies
that save the world (yeah…don’t ask….), they have outfits with next to nothing
on. Ummm…no kid. Not wearing that. (Besides the fact you’ll be cold!) Also,
their waist size is not human.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Trying not to get flustered, I finally asked, “What do you
like about this particular character?”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">“She’s the leader!”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. So we talked about that a
bit and the conversation continued when Jeff got home later that evening. He
suggested we look for great women in church history and maybe have Kyla read about that some more.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Then, he tried to talk Kyla into being Queen Elizabeth. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">She informed us she doesn’t like history.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sigh.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">After the girls were in bed, I searched on the internet for “great
women in church history” and you won’t believe what I found.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
(continued in another post soon<a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=3801295639775508234" name="_GoBack"></a>….) Update: You can read the next post <a href="http://beccawithpeninhand.blogspot.com/2013/11/searching-for-great-women-and-men-in.html" target="_blank">here</a>.</div>
Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15847251208369054049noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3801295639775508234.post-6962048479101828532013-08-03T15:49:00.001-07:002013-08-03T15:51:23.626-07:00When Will Life Begin?This is a follow-up post I wrote for a MOPS blog after I gave a talk to a lovely group of moms. If you'd like to read more about the talk, you can check out Part 1 <a href="http://beccawithpeninhand.blogspot.com/2013/07/when-he-speaks.html" target="_blank">here</a> and Part 2 <a href="http://beccawithpeninhand.blogspot.com/2013/07/when-he-speaks-part-2.html" target="_blank">here</a>.<br />
<br />
**********<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Have you ever caught yourself unintentionally singing a song
from a cartoon your kids like? My girls watch <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">My Little Pony</i> nonstop these days, and now I catch myself humming
the theme song after one of their Saturday morning marathons. (I think the
people in the grocery store are appreciative of my magical spirit when I go
shopping on those days.)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Another song that often plays in my head is “When Will My
Life Begin?” from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Tangled</i>. Rapunzel
dances around the tower she has been locked in most of her life. She dreams and
draws and cleans and does the same things day after day with no reprieve. Her
life is rote and she has only been given a small window with which to see the
world. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As moms it can be hard to get up and do the same things day
after day. We cook and clean and draw pictures of animals for our little ones
because we love them. But we also know that these things need to be done. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Beyond that, we are often given the impression that we
should be at every Bible study with our workbook pages fully filled in, have
our children in multiple activities, and not only make dinner but it should
come with a perfectly frosted cake with a cherry on top. Every single night.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Our homes ought to be perfectly painted and organized with
labels. We should pray with our children each night and memorize verses with
them too. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Soon it becomes too much. Then, one evening I’m doing
laundry while dinner is boiling over on the stove while asking my children for
the sixth time to pick up their toys in the living room before I step on them.
The phone rings with someone from church, and I shut it off because there is no
way I will be able to talk with that person above the noise. Then I feel guilty
for not being available…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And that’s when I start singing, “When will my life begin?”
because surely this is not it. It’s out there, beyond the windows. The better
way that Jesus talked about with rest and freedom? He meant I might have that
in 10-15 years, right? Right?!?!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Glennon Doyle of <a href="http://momastery.com/">Momastery.com</a> recently suggested two
things about living each day:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
1. Show up</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2. Pay attention</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Four words? I think I can handle that. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Beyond that, I’ve been asking God what those words mean.
What do they mean for me? What do they mean for us as moms and women and His daughters?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because I see how Jesus did that when He came. We see this
in the account with Martha and Mary. Jesus was able to speak truth to Martha
about her expectations because He showed up to her home and her life, and He
paid attention to why she felt she had to do more.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Showing up and paying attention involves being present to
the moment, even the crazy ones that have us juggling three things at one time.
Showing up means we acknowledge the activities for the day, and we wait for God
to reveal Himself as we engage in what needs to be done. Paying attention
involves seeing the world with new eyes because we are made new in Him more and
more each day. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When Jesus left earth, the Father sent The Helper—the Holy
Spirit. The Holy Spirit is who enables us pay attention. Not only to our own
surroundings but also to who God made us to be and what He would have us to do
each day. The Holy Spirit enables us to know when it’s a good idea to say “no”
to an activity that might impede on an opportunity to rest, even if we feel we <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">should</i> do this thing in front of us. The
Holy Spirit helps us take notice of the passions and gifts God has given us
because He is also the One who endows us with the gifting.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And then, during our days, we can ask,<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> God, what are you doing here? Right here, right now?</i> Our routine
activities become an opportunity for prayer, even simple prayers, for prayer is
both speaking <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and</i> listening. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For years, my attitude for laundry was to toss it in the
dryer with frustration while I muttered about how it never goes away. Ever.
There’s also cooking dinner. I am personally not a fan. Not only do I struggle
to not burn dinner each night, there is the inevitable pile of dishes waiting
for me after everyone is in bed. It’s like the kitchen has a personal vendetta.
It mocks me daily.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But then, for whatever reason, one day I started scrubbing a
pan and muttering words to God. Suddenly I realized that the natural rhythm of
cleaning and folding laundry could be something more than a necessity. I could
talk to God while I did such things. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I remember one day I received a phone call from some family
friends who found out their mom had breast cancer. Their mom was also very
special to me. I was grateful I had made lasagna that day. I had some serious
things to ask God for on behalf of the ones I cared about. This became my
ministry. It didn’t come with fancy nametags and standing up teaching a Bible
study. But it was important to me and to God all the same.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I fold laundry, I ask God to bless my children and my
husband. If it’s a soccer uniform, I pray for fun and safety in the next game
or practice. If it’s pajamas, I pray for what my daughter calls “sweet dreams.”
(Those usually involve cupcakes or <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">My Little
Pony</i>, of course.)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
God is already working in your life. Yours. The one that has
begun. With the chaos and the dirty diapers and multiple minivan trips to the
store to get milk. If we have to pick a checklist to live by, let’s go with:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
1. Show up</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2. Pay attention</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because that is where we find grace in the everyday. And the
rest and the freedom. Those are the moments of grace that go beyond when we first
said, “Yes, Jesus, I want to follow You.” In <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Beautiful-Mess-Perfectionists-Journey-Self-care/dp/0981951546/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1375570259&sr=8-1&keywords=a+beautiful+mess+ritzau" target="_blank">A Beautiful Mess</a></i>, Kristin Ritzau writes, “Grace means not escaping
the mess and learning to experience life amidst the muck.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When will your life begin? It already has.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Listen. Are you
breathing just a little bit and calling it life?” -<a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=3801295639775508234" name="_GoBack"></a>Mary
Oliver<o:p></o:p></i></div>
Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15847251208369054049noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3801295639775508234.post-41507980429518833922013-07-29T21:30:00.000-07:002013-07-29T21:56:01.272-07:00Now<div class="MsoNormal">
Tonight I opened my e-mail to find an e-newsletter titled “Gain
Important Leadership Lessons Now.” Hmmm…now, huh? Interesting. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In many ways I wish it were that easy. Jeff and I chose the
road we are on because we sense a sacred call to lead. However, I can assure you the lessons learned along the way have been anything but now. Try more than a
decade of one step forward and three steps back. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In fact, a couple of weeks ago I wore a dress to church that
I bought two years ago to wear to Jeff’s final ordination service, which was
supposed to be last spring. I’ve given up on the plans to wear it to the
special occasion of the ordination, since we are still uncertain about a timing
and date, and just started wearing it. It makes me a little sad, I suppose, but
then I do feel good in that dress, so I guess that special occasion is now.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Last Saturday I planned to take the girls to the library
but didn’t feel great so we stayed home and went tonight instead. The girls
were disappointed on Saturday but also understanding as they skipped off to
play. It was quiet in the East Library today, much quieter than a weekend, and
we enjoyed ourselves. Later turned out to be a pretty great now.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Last night I spent the evening organizing my bookshelf on
<a href="http://www.goodreads.com/" target="_blank">Goodreads</a>. Tonight I couldn’t find any of the books I wanted at the library. I
ended up getting three unexpected books. This kind of frustrated me at first. Not
to mention a guy stood in the exact spot in the aisle where I wanted to pick up
a Eugene Peterson book about spiritual reading. Hoping the tall man with a
sleeveless cut off shirt and straw cowboy hat would shift, I circled the
shelves a couple times with the girls, who were being as quiet as two excited little ones
with new books can be. Finally, I gave up. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.
I’ll catch you another time, Eugene.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No “now” on that one. Instead I have these others. I wonder what their pages hold….</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NWBB6-Xkgw4/UfdAQi2BrQI/AAAAAAAAASc/QQtuUkN0960/s1600/DSC01853.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NWBB6-Xkgw4/UfdAQi2BrQI/AAAAAAAAASc/QQtuUkN0960/s320/DSC01853.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Leadership lessons come in many ways. But rarely now and all
today. They can’t all come now. Because what would we do if all of the people
and experiences used to shape us showed up at the same time? We’d probably fall
down on our face in amazement. Reverence. Excitement. Overwhelm. The way I
would expect Kaelyn to if we took her to DisneyWorld today. The way I would
expect if Jesus showed up tonight and gave me my wildest dreams and best moments
all at once. I might even be a little afraid at the magnitude of the goodness
He bestows.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Instead we receive our lessons and our best moments in life a little at a time.
Leaving us grateful for the missed Saturday at the library and the soft teal
dress that falls just right, even with a growing pregnant belly.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I wish there weren’t pain and frustration and questions and uncertainty
involved along the way but there is. There always is. That is why the truest
and bravest ones among us are those with decades of unexpected nows and a
willingness to be patient with and for their Teacher. Those are the leaders I
want to follow. Hopefully that’s the kind of leader He’s molding me to be.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">There are sure to be more
circles and backward steps. I’ll bring my dress. And maybe even a pair of heels
to wear with it.</span><!--EndFragment-->Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15847251208369054049noreply@blogger.com1