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Sept 17
Make a list of things
you would like to change
Ecclesiastes
4:9 "Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other
succeed."
Write
down some things that you would like to change and who you can turn to for help
and support to make those changes happen.
Change is hard. Making a list of things
I want to change is harder.
I also know it’s not healthy for me to
make a list of things to change. I go a bit crazy with lists because I have to
DO ALL THE THINGS in order to be successful. Leave off one thing or don’t
complete something and I’m losing sleep over my “failure.” As a result, unless
I’m making one for the grocery or something for work, I don’t really do them
anymore.
But I get the point of this prompt.
It’s good to make things tangible. A little like what I wrote yesterday about
finally verbalizing my loneliness and how that brought about change.
Instead of making a list that’s
something like 1–10, I’m going to talk about a couple key things that I’d like
to change.
First, my physical health. I was an athlete in high school and college,
and while I’ve never loved things like running, I always appreciate how good it
makes me feel afterward. When I exercise, I’m more likely to choose healthy
food as well because why undo all the hard work with a cheeseburger or a couple
of donuts? Jeff and I used to work out together too but my first pregnancy
came pretty quick after getting married and I haven’t been able to find a
groove since…almost 12 years later. (sigh)
I’ve tried some things over the years:
pilates on my living room floor, working out at 24 Hour Fitness (when we got a great
discount through Jeff’s job at CCU), and working out while at work. Inevitably,
just as I got a good thing going, our scheduled changed due to seminary classes
or I had another baby and so on.
Earlier this year, I had to get a
mammogram for a lump on my chest. This is not the first time this has happened
to me. In fact, I’ve had several other (benign) lumps removed from my chest.
But this time was a little more scary. I’m not 20 years old this time, like I
was when the first lump was removed. I hadn’t been exercising or eating great
so I was very afraid something was wrong. (All tests came back okay, by the
way.) Then a couple months later, we went on our first family vacation and I
did a ton of walking (up Seattle hills) and hiking. Felt the best I have in
years so I’ve been continuing walking regularly at work or on weekends. I fight
for this time more now. I also have been adjusting some of my eating habits.
There is more room to grow in these areas but this is a good start for me.
One other thing re: this area is that
the idea of holistic health is fairly new to me. Most of my life, I’ve put
emphasis on my spiritual health and believed that is what God cared about most.
However, I see how God gave us every area of our life to steward—emotional (God
gave us emotions for a reason and I plan to use them), sexual (it’s about way
more than purity talks before marriage and avoiding affairs afterward…there is
plenty of outrage AND intelligent analysis going around about this in faith
circles right now), and of course, physical health (my body is a gift from God,
not just something we will cast aside when Jesus returns). I want to care for
my body. It matters to God. It’s part of who I am.
Secondly, I am working on compassion. I recently finished Brené
Brown’s book on rising from failure titled Rising Strong. In the sixth chapter, she talked about an encounter she had with a
rude woman at an event. She shared this experience in a counseling session and received this
question from the counselor: What if
people are doing the best they can? She was appalled by this thought
because people make their own choices and there are consequences, right? I get
Brene’s response. I am SO black and white. My motto might as well be “You break
the rules, you pay.” But Brené’s words made me think. She polled people around
her and eventually came to the conclusion that we can’t know everything about
every person’s circumstance, and it’s best to give them the benefit of the
doubt and offer compassion.
I am sure my propensity to judgment is
based on my personality and also my growing up in fundamentalism. Where, as I
mentioned in my post on Monday, God is ready to smite thee for one misstep.
Plus, I believe that I am SO hard on myself that I find it hard to give others
a break when I’m not doing the same for myself. I believe there is no excuse
for my mistakes, therefore, same to you. No excuse.
But I decided to be more conscious
about compassion and some of what was shared in Rising Strong. Kaelyn joined a new sports team recently and so I
was thrust into being around a new group of parents. Ugh, this produces such
anxiety in me because I think that right from the first introduction they are
judging if I’m a good mom. So, I am also prone to judge them right away. My armor on first so they can’t hurt me,
right? Then the parents began talking amongst themselves about some of the
other children and families on the team. So….this isn’t helping at all because
I’m sure that as I walk away from them, they’ll be talking about me. Plus, this
particular group of parents has been together for years and I’m the outsider.
However….I decided to say they are doing
the best they can to myself and entered into some conversations to ask
questions about this new team of kids and find out where people work, how long
their child has been on the team, etc.
The parents asked me a little too.
Before I knew it, a dad got up to help the coach with a drill and he called
Kaelyn by name. I thought that was a pretty nice thing to do to memorize her
name right away. Then, I also noticed the sideline was filled with both moms
and dads. Not something you see every day, right? By the end of the first
practice, Kaelyn had an invitation to a birthday party. How sweet of her to be
included. These parents care, I
thought. I could feel my heart changing toward compassion.
As I mentioned, change is hard. We all
know that. I think the key is to stay aware. If XYZ is hard, then that’s when I
ask God to help. Jeff once said to me many years ago to invite God into those
things—into all things in my life. That is true discipleship; that is following
Jesus in all things. It’s also how real change occurs. I have to ask the Holy
Spirit to give me His gift of compassion. Can’t do that on my own. If it were
all up to me all the time, it would be ARMOR ON so I can’t get hurt. Change—and
the ability to do it—is part of what God gifts to us in salvation. We work out
our salvation over time with His help (Philippians 2:12).
He’s also the One who told me no more
lists because He knows that’s not good for me. So I listened.
Therefore,
if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is
here! 2 Corinthians 5:17
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