Sunday, January 13, 2013

Finding Freedom

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” –Galatians 5:1

“Don’t should on yourself.”  I don’t know who said this first, but I heard it from Emily Freeman

Over Christmas break I refused to make a to-do list for myself. I already live, and sometimes it feels I nearly die, by them at work. So, for the ten glorious days of vacation, I gave up being ruled by the neat lines of simple words and phrases on a page.

Similarly, I’ve become a bit weary of being bound by words, lines, and phrases here on this blog. I don’t want to be dramatic with an “I’m shutting this thing down” post, but I’m sure you may have noticed the infrequency with which I’ve been writing these past few months.

It’s not that I don’t have anything left to say. If you know me, you know I have plenty to say on a daily basis. It’s just that I’ve found myself feeling constrained by what I think I should say, what I shouldn’t say in this kind of a forum, and what is the best way to work out where I am right now.

I had wanted to blog regularly for years. I started this blog long before I was able to commit to regular contributions, and I’m grateful for the creative outlet it provided me while I was away from Colorado most recently.

But, with being home, I’m finding I need different ways of expressing myself, and I don’t really like that word “commit” right now in regards to my creativity. I’m committed to creativity but not to having a schedule or a to-do list for posts. I do not sense a call to professional blogging by any means.

I’m craving freedom. And with that freedom is coming the need for working through my thoughts, my words, my feelings, and my concerns in quieter places. Places like the booth at Village Inn where I meet my friend Sandi every other Wednesday.

Places like my old, abandoned journal where I am forced to think through each word as I write, rather than the quick pace of typing, which can leave some of my thoughts less processed. And I am allowing myself time to sit down and care for me.

I haven’t been doing this well, and setting aside checklists at home over Christmas was a small awakening for me. I’m also realizing that the more I give freedom to myself, the more likely I am to give it to others.

As I have written before, I’ve struggled with the graceless standards set on me by various Christians throughout my life. I think we all do this to each other to varying degrees, but the degree to which I experienced this was spiritual abuse. It has taken me a long time to use that phrase, and please know I do not use it lightly.

I do not want those experiences in my past to be the sole defining factor of my present or my future. And I do not want those events to control the way I live out my relationships either.

For these reasons, you may continue to see less of me on here. I need places to find me, other than the screen I’m looking at right now. I want to write at my own pace and to maybe even put together a memoir for my daughters. (I’m beginning to forget the details of how this awkward fundamentalist teen eventually became the wife of an Anglican clergyman.) In addition, I’m enjoying providing an opportunity for others to express themselves.

And so, for freedom, I am setting myself free to do these things. In my own timing and in my own way.