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I can’t do it anymore.
I can’t read books about leadership, and spiritual abuse, and the history of fundamentalism in America. At least not for a while…
I didn’t finish Jesus and John Wayne. Had already lived the effects of that book.
I didn’t finish A Church Called Tov: Forming a Goodness Culture that Resists Abuses of Power and Promotes Healing because when I got to the second half of the book, I got a lump in my throat as this thought popped out: “As if the North American church gives a sh*t about a goodness culture.” That book has stayed closed. (Yep, I never use that language here but there just isn’t another way to say it.)
I recently did finish The Lord Is My Courage. Fabulous book. Underlined a ton. But even that one I had to take a few days away from because of how GOOD she was treated by a few pastors (you read that right—GOOD) after the hell she and her husband had endured in a former church. The kind of goodness, care, and tenderness I’ve seen my own pastor husband bestow on others in ministry spaces. But now these spaces are hard for us to even walk inside as a family. And the sadness came…
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God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful.
1 Corinthians 1:27 (NLT)
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I think we’re all pretty aware of the downfall of Harvey Weinstein. Thus, spun the #MeToo movement and the #ChurchToo movement. That's right. It took Hollywood to help reveal the abuse going on in churches!
And why? Why did these things spread so quickly? Because finally, someone was giving language to so many who have been powerless and silenced for WAY too long.
I found myself grieving that I had not stood up to a man who had sexually harassed me at my first job out of college. Making matters worse, the only other woman in the office, whom I had known from another circle of my (Christian) community was defending HIM, not me. I can’t get into specifics because of a NDA. But believe me when I say the man was rich, powerful, and even known in DC.
I wish I had known then I didn’t have to sign that paperwork. That by doing so I probably just perpetuated the abuse to continue for other women who came after me. Blah. Guilt. (And side note: you better believe I’ve had that talk with my daughters about reporting harassment and assault.)
In addition to the topple of Weinstein, you’ve probably also read the stories of countless others who are not out of jobs because those they oppressed were given a voice. Kevin Spacey, Matt Lauer, Charlie Rose, and many more.
One of the saddest reveals to me was that of Mark Schwahn, creator of my beloved show One Tree Hill. The actresses—Hilarie, Sophia, and Joy—had endured unspeakable harassment and sexualization. They are quiet no more. They are empowered.
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Believe it or not, I heard my first episode of the Drama Queens podcast the week I finally got to visit Wilmington, NC. I walked where these three wounded women walked.
As they shared memories of filming One Tree Hill in Wilmington, I’m practically yelling, “I just went there” at my computer.
When the actresses mentioned being able to smell the ice cream and chocolate shop named Kilwin’s a block away, I had to pause the podcast and tell Jeff what they had just said. He and I agreed, “Yes, you can smell the waffles cones from several doors down!” It is delightful.
Drama Queens is somewhere around 60 episodes now. Part of the podcast is conducting a rewatch of the show and giving behind the scenes information. I’ve listened to every episode. I can’t tell you the joy it has given me to rewatch episodes and then listen to these women give behind the scenes details. They are respectful but truthful. Professional but not afraid to laugh at the foolishness of their younger years.
There was an innocence and also a darkness that clouded their experiences.
The cast had been told they were shooting a light-hearted story of a kid from “the wrong side of the tracks.” It was supposed to be narrated by the wise basketball coach at the school in their small town. Instead, they found themselves in a show that decided to compete against The OC, another popular, highly sexualized show released around the same time.
These women fought. They fought as hard as they could as young actresses in their twenties.
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I knew long ago that Bethany Joy Lenz (she goes by “Joy”), who played my favorite character Haley, was a Christian. In fact, as a child, she sang in a production of Psalty the Singing Songbook. You can find the video on YouTube. I admired Joy’s ability to act and yet maintain her values and convictions. Shockingly, Mark Schwahn even mentioned once in an interview that he admired her principles.
Still he pushed the lines.
One of my favorite discoveries is when Sophia Bush points out that she was angry at the producers, etc for making her wear such a short skirt in a particular scene that she told them they would regret that decision the next day when she would be allowed to pick her own clothing for the rest of the scenes. The next scene shows Sophia wearing a turtleneck.
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Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.
Deuteronomy 30:19 (NIV)
A joyful heart helps healing, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.
Proverbs 17:22 (CEB)
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One of the most important life lessons I’ve learned is that we have the power, given by the Holy Spirit, to fight back the powers of darkness. It’s found in laughter, and joy, and continually pursuing the things that give us life.
Books on leadership are not giving me life. Books on how to promote a goodness culture are not giving me life. Books about other pastors who are making it are not giving me life.
What is giving me life is hearing about, reading about, and witnessing those who were powerless find their voice. Those who were once oppressed, being able to get louder and louder so that they are no longer ignored.
On Drama Queens, the women are able to laugh. They are able to recall where they found life in the darkest of days.
In a scene on the second season of One Tree Hill, Hilarie Burton Morgan's character, Peyton, goes to a confessional at a church to ask for forgiveness and help with her desires to turn to drugs for dealing with the pain of disappointment and grief.
On that episode of the Drama Queens podcast, Sophia and Joy complimented Hilarie on how honest her performance had been. They asked what her inspiration had been. She said that before they shot the scene, she grabbed a hymnal and opened it to the song called, “In the Garden” and placed the open hymnal at her feet for the filming of the scene. She recalled growing up in a Methodist church and how her youth pastor had a profound effect on her life.
I knew it. This actress had never talked about her faith in any spaces I had found, but I just knew it was a strong foundation for her life. Also, you should have heard me yelling back at the dialogue on the podcast when the other actresses admitted they didn’t know the hymn “In the Garden.” What? Really?
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Hilarie now lives on a farm with her actor husband Jeffrey Dean Morgan in the small town of Rhinebeck, NY. She still acts. But now she also writes, hosts Drama Queens, and produces a show called “It Couldn’t Happen Here,” a crime documentary series set in small towns. She sits with people who have lost loved ones to unspeakable crimes.
Hilarie’s first book is a memoir titled The Rural Diaries. At her request, I ordered it from the independent bookstore in Rhinebeck. The book has been sitting on my shelf for a long time.
I picked it up this week, and it is giving me LIFE. As a result, I decided to write tonight. To find my own voice and to believe that I, too, can fight back the darkness with joy.
In fact, that’s how I got myself back to church after some hurtful events. I laughed at the ignorance of those who hurt us and decided their foolishness and lack of understanding about who I am/we are (if they ever even TRIED to understand in the first place!) can’t keep me from being in a place that gives me life.
So, I’m going to keep reading, writing, and, of course, talking back to the dialogue on the podcast.
