From Behavior to Beloved

Here is Day 5 of my 30-day Faith Challenge for work....

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Sept 18

Write down your feelings about God's love for yourself. 

Romans 8:39

"No power in the sky above or in the earth below - indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."

God thinks you're special. Does that make a difference in what you think about yourself or others? Write down your thoughts to reflect on later for a reminder of God's love.

Keller has a Jesus Loves Me book given to him by his godparents. This book not only plays the song when you push the button but features illustrations of children playing and eating with Jesus faint in the background looking over the children and participating in their activities. 

I love these images. I always point out Jesus to Keller as we read the book (and he pushes the music button over and over and over….). I say, “Jesus loves Keller. See, Jesus loves His children. Jesus loves Keller.”

As children I think it’s easier to believe the foundational truths of Jesus made me and He loves me. There isn’t really a doubt until the hard things of life come our way to cause questions. 

For me, that time came in the transition from sixth grade into seventh grade. That was a hard year for me. That’s when things like shame and feeling put down over my choices—whether good or bad—became the main thing. Through Jr High and High School I was constantly judged and questioned for every little thing I did or liked. What you like that Babysitter’s Club book? Don’t you know it has a storyline about divorced parents in it? It’s bad to read. Or a better interpretation: You are bad for reading it and even liking that. Over time these feelings seeped into how I believed God felt about me.

When my parents separated during my junior year of high school, I used to read Psalms for hours and hours in my room. I cried out to God for help and that book in the Bible gave me words filled with emotion when I had none to offer. Yet, I was told I “wasn’t having enough faith” by youth leaders during that tumultuous time in my life. I was so confused. I’m pretty sure that if I had shared about my Psalm reading, it would have been doubted and questioned and I would have been asked to prove it. 

And so, during that time in my life, behavior and morals became the main thing and I began to believe that was the main thing God cared about too. Jesus loves me? Well, I prove my love by what I do for Him. He gave His life for me so I am supposed to give everything for Him, even to the point of risking my own health and well-being. I was also told what that should look like in my life, dictated by the leaders in my faith community. I operated this way a lot through college as well. 

Now, I got by living this way for a while but then I had children of my own. Taking it a step further, I got a job writing for children. 

Upon being hired, I was ready to roll up my sleeves and teach the basics. I had learned how to help others be good followers of God by that time. There was memorization of Scripture to teach and morals like the Ten Commandments to help them learn. 

As I began my writing job, I discovered this would not work. In fact it was the exact opposite of the foundation of my curriculum. I was tasked with reading a couple books to get an idea of this new philosophy of leading children to a place where they could encounter God—not teaching facts and information that would make them good little children in society.

I also discovered this was in the power of the Holy Spirit, not my power. In meetings I was forced to look at Scripture according to what God is doing, not what I was supposed to take away and do. This….this changed my life forever. Have you ever looked at a passage of Scripture just to see what God is doing and what it says about Him? I sure hadn’t and I found a bunch of stuff in the Bible I had never, ever seen before. 

We began with Old Testament passages. It was a rough started because I began on the Genesis 3. Yeah…try teaching about sin and the curse to 6 year olds. But as I found my groove, more emerged. For example, let’s look at Jacob. Jacob means “deceiver” and deceive he did. He worked such a number on his family that he was forced to run away for fear that his own brother would kill him. After running for a bit, he finally stopped to rest. (This account is found in Genesis 28:10–22, by the way, if you want to read it.) 

Until this point Jacob had done all the wrong things. Yet, God came to Him. (Via a ladder extending from the sky—what?!) He assured Jacob of His presence with these words: “I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.” This is all God. All God! And Jacob knew it. See his response in verse 16: “Surely, the Lord is in this place, and I was not aware of it.” Yeah, man, I can relate.

Now, we can argue that Jacob was in the lineage of Abraham (someone else God came to and made a promise to even though he was a pagan worshipper prior to Genesis 12) and that is why Jacob received special treatment. But, aren’t we His children? Haven’t we been given promises by God that He will be with us (Matthew 28:20)? Haven’t we been “grafted in” to the promises given to Abraham’s family (Romans 11:11–24)? If so, how could I believe that what I do makes a difference in how God treats me, in how He loves me and what He thinks of me?

This is possibly where it all started for me, at least that’s one point I remember well. (Around that time I also read some pointed thoughts about my Identity via Chapter 4 in Spiritual Parenting by Michelle Anthony.)

After getting through Jacob and then Joseph’s part in the Bible, I jumped into New Testament passages for lessons. I wrote a little about my experience with the Gospels in a post called “God Sees” found here. This is where I began to see Jesus—God in human form—and His love in tangible form. Look at how He treats those around Him—including women and children. There is nothing and no One like Him.

Slowly I began to believe that God felt that way about me. In times when I had nothing to offer Him or had disobeyed, He was still there. He was comforting me, loving me just for being me. Just as I was.

I spent two and a half years writing curriculum and wrestling with these concepts. I was committed to helping young minds grasp these concepts too, not just during those elementary years but for lifelong faith. So that when shame hit them in middle school and beyond, this was there identity: Beloved of God. Always and forever the Beloved of God.

Along the line, God changed me and showed me the same things.

When the project ended, I was a different person. Toward the end of creating the lessons, our team didn’t know if the project would end or morph, but one day, I got a call from HR. Just before the phone rang, I got a text from a coworker and friend saying, “I’m in a meeting. It’s not good.” And I knew. I knew that particular season of writing and wrestling was over. 

As soon as I got off the phone with HR, I opened my computer and sent a message to those people who had been praying and grappling alongside me as I wrote lessons. Here’s a portion of the e-mail I wrote on that day in 2011:

I am grateful for my time at Cook because I believe it served as a strong stepping stone in my journey. I had wanted to work for Cook for almost 10 years, and that was accomplished. I made a ton of great friends there and found a love for all things related to spiritual formation. Also, I got to spend a LOT of time reading and studying the Bible. I learned incredible things about who God is because of that, things I never knew about Him before and how much He loves me. I AM His beloved. I am seen.

I was thinking last week about how I worked on this project with the leaders, kids, churches, and families in mind. But I wonder if God didn't create the project just to shape and grow me. Would He do something like that? Move an entire ministry to fund a project just for my spiritual growth or just the members of my team? I don't know for sure. However, I think it is possible. I will not take that for granted.

My pastor’s wife responded:

Yes, dear Becca, your God would move an entire ministry to fund a project just for you. He loves you that much!

And I believed her.

Changes

--> I'm now on Day 4 of my Faith Challenge for work. If you're reading along, thanks for doing so!

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Sept 17

Make a list of things you would like to change

Ecclesiastes 4:9 "Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed."

Write down some things that you would like to change and who you can turn to for help and support to make those changes happen.

Change is hard. Making a list of things I want to change is harder.

I also know it’s not healthy for me to make a list of things to change. I go a bit crazy with lists because I have to DO ALL THE THINGS in order to be successful. Leave off one thing or don’t complete something and I’m losing sleep over my “failure.” As a result, unless I’m making one for the grocery or something for work, I don’t really do them anymore.

But I get the point of this prompt. It’s good to make things tangible. A little like what I wrote yesterday about finally verbalizing my loneliness and how that brought about change.

Instead of making a list that’s something like 1–10, I’m going to talk about a couple key things that I’d like to change.

First, my physical health. I was an athlete in high school and college, and while I’ve never loved things like running, I always appreciate how good it makes me feel afterward. When I exercise, I’m more likely to choose healthy food as well because why undo all the hard work with a cheeseburger or a couple of donuts? Jeff and I used to work out together too but my first pregnancy came pretty quick after getting married and I haven’t been able to find a groove since…almost 12 years later. (sigh)

I’ve tried some things over the years: pilates on my living room floor, working out at 24 Hour Fitness (when we got a great discount through Jeff’s job at CCU), and working out while at work. Inevitably, just as I got a good thing going, our scheduled changed due to seminary classes or I had another baby and so on.

Earlier this year, I had to get a mammogram for a lump on my chest. This is not the first time this has happened to me. In fact, I’ve had several other (benign) lumps removed from my chest. But this time was a little more scary. I’m not 20 years old this time, like I was when the first lump was removed. I hadn’t been exercising or eating great so I was very afraid something was wrong. (All tests came back okay, by the way.) Then a couple months later, we went on our first family vacation and I did a ton of walking (up Seattle hills) and hiking. Felt the best I have in years so I’ve been continuing walking regularly at work or on weekends. I fight for this time more now. I also have been adjusting some of my eating habits. There is more room to grow in these areas but this is a good start for me.

One other thing re: this area is that the idea of holistic health is fairly new to me. Most of my life, I’ve put emphasis on my spiritual health and believed that is what God cared about most. However, I see how God gave us every area of our life to steward—emotional (God gave us emotions for a reason and I plan to use them), sexual (it’s about way more than purity talks before marriage and avoiding affairs afterward…there is plenty of outrage AND intelligent analysis going around about this in faith circles right now), and of course, physical health (my body is a gift from God, not just something we will cast aside when Jesus returns). I want to care for my body. It matters to God. It’s part of who I am.

Secondly, I am working on compassion. I recently finished Brené Brown’s book on rising from failure titled Rising Strong. In the sixth chapter, she talked about an encounter she had with a rude woman at an event. She shared this experience in a counseling session and received this question from the counselor: What if people are doing the best they can? She was appalled by this thought because people make their own choices and there are consequences, right? I get Brene’s response. I am SO black and white. My motto might as well be “You break the rules, you pay.” But Brené’s words made me think. She polled people around her and eventually came to the conclusion that we can’t know everything about every person’s circumstance, and it’s best to give them the benefit of the doubt and offer compassion.

I am sure my propensity to judgment is based on my personality and also my growing up in fundamentalism. Where, as I mentioned in my post on Monday, God is ready to smite thee for one misstep. Plus, I believe that I am SO hard on myself that I find it hard to give others a break when I’m not doing the same for myself. I believe there is no excuse for my mistakes, therefore, same to you. No excuse.

But I decided to be more conscious about compassion and some of what was shared in Rising Strong. Kaelyn joined a new sports team recently and so I was thrust into being around a new group of parents. Ugh, this produces such anxiety in me because I think that right from the first introduction they are judging if I’m a good mom. So, I am also prone to judge them right away. My armor on first so they can’t hurt me, right? Then the parents began talking amongst themselves about some of the other children and families on the team. So….this isn’t helping at all because I’m sure that as I walk away from them, they’ll be talking about me. Plus, this particular group of parents has been together for years and I’m the outsider. However….I decided to say they are doing the best they can to myself and entered into some conversations to ask questions about this new team of kids and find out where people work, how long their child has been on the team, etc.

The parents asked me a little too. Before I knew it, a dad got up to help the coach with a drill and he called Kaelyn by name. I thought that was a pretty nice thing to do to memorize her name right away. Then, I also noticed the sideline was filled with both moms and dads. Not something you see every day, right? By the end of the first practice, Kaelyn had an invitation to a birthday party. How sweet of her to be included. These parents care, I thought. I could feel my heart changing toward compassion.

As I mentioned, change is hard. We all know that. I think the key is to stay aware. If XYZ is hard, then that’s when I ask God to help. Jeff once said to me many years ago to invite God into those things—into all things in my life. That is true discipleship; that is following Jesus in all things. It’s also how real change occurs. I have to ask the Holy Spirit to give me His gift of compassion. Can’t do that on my own. If it were all up to me all the time, it would be ARMOR ON so I can’t get hurt. Change—and the ability to do it—is part of what God gifts to us in salvation. We work out our salvation over time with His help (Philippians 2:12).

He’s also the One who told me no more lists because He knows that’s not good for me. So I listened.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 2 Corinthians 5:17

Alone

Here is Day 3 of reflections for my Faith Challenge at work.....

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Sept 16

Think of family or friends to have be a part of this journey with you.

 

Genesis 2:18 "Then the LORD God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.'

Think of a few family members or friends that help and care for you. Ask them to be a part of this journey with you. Ask them to hold you accountable and encourage you along the way.

A few years ago, I was so, so lonely. I was a young mom but unable to join mothers groups or do playdates at the park due to working fulltime. Playdates at the park at 10am was the kind of mom I thought I would be and it was hard navigating the young years with a strong-willed toddler without any other moms doing the same around me. This is not to say that I didn’t have great people in my life. At the time I had wonderful coworkers while working at a nonprofit. We handled difficult phone calls and letters and so everyone in our dept was hired because they had skills in discernment and empathy. I received daily encouragement and prayer from them. But something was still missing.

I knew this when I was cleaning out my library one day and discovered three copies of the book The Friendships of Women. Uh, hello. Yeah, when I collect books on the same theme (or even the same book in this case!), there is clearly something lurking beneath the bookshelves. Not long after that, I remember running into a woman from church named Barb and in the course of our conversation, saying to her, “I’m just so lonely.” She replied that she would be my friend if I need and gave me a big hug. She and I couldn’t have been more opposite in life stage, she being a single in middle age and me a young mom. But I was so grateful for the hug and it was a relief to verbalize that feeling.

I began praying and praying and praying for deep friendships. For people to do life with me. I longed for people to really know me enough to laugh and cry and understand why I might be upset from everything including losing a coupon for Target to Jeff’s loooong ordination process that took us years to walk through.

God answered these prayers. He really did. I look back and see the handful of my people God sent in that time since declaring my loneliness aloud. They joined my journey at different times. They know me. All I have to do is text and they come running (or texting back). While I was in Kansas for a year, God gave me a huge gift in my friend Jessica. I did some of those playdates and we shared meals together with our families on pretty much a weekly basis. Okay, you bring the meat this week; I’ll bring the beer. Out of this or that before we grill? We’ll go get those things together. Load the kids in the minivan. Also, have you seen the newest product at Trader Joe’s?

Even though I’ve been back in CO for three years, Jess and I still talk on almost a weekly basis and text several times a week. If I’m cracking up over a text, it’s usually her. She is also fantastically indignant on my behalf over mostly everything. She has fought for me when I was attacked on Facebook and she sends the best articles. She lets me rail about authors and books and joins sometimes too. Last week one of her texts began with these words: “Feminist win of the day!” and then she proceeded with an awesome story about telling off a misogynistic plumber. You go, sister! All the emoticons coming your way.

Another person I’m likely to text regularly is Christy. Christy is my fashion consultant who took me shopping when I was going through my Wear I Am crisis last year. She helped me find clothing that say ME and she even created a personal color pallet based on my fashion board on Pinterest. Christy attends our church and lives in our neighborhood, which is fun. She brings me snacks in the form of Pringles, texts me when she’s on her way to Target midweek in case I need anything, and encourages me in my job. Her gifts in leadership and creativity are off the charts and I am blessed by her regular presence in my life.

There are others: Rebekah patiently listens to my journey of church planting and banters with me about who is winning in MasterChef. Jenna regularly texts just: “How are you?” and watched Keller for us last spring. Vicki helps me watch out for my kids too. She knows my little ones inside and out (having taught my oldest child in those strong-willed years) and encourages me as a mom. I’m blessed once again with wonderful, understanding coworkers too. I already know these people will be with me on this Faith Challenge journey because they are there in my life.

I believe there was something important about verbalizing my loneliness that day to Barb. God heard me. Barb and I didn’t become best friends but I see her from time to time. She still offers me hugs when I do.

I also got rid of all my copies of The Friendships of Women.

In, Up, Out

This is Day 2 of my Faith Challenge at work...

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Sept 15

Look In, Up, and Out

1. Look in to prepare your heart

2. Look up to God for strength and guidance

3. Look out with the help of others and you can achieve more

1. Look in. I think I’m actually pretty good about looking in my heart to prepare. This is due to my stepping into Anglicanism almost a decade ago. This expression of the church helps us with preparation by walking us through the seasons of the church and things like prayer as a community, confession, and receiving Eucharist on a weekly basis. It has instilled a rhythm of preparation. This is not to say that my heart isn’t hard on a daily, weekly, or seasonal basis. It’s just that the liturgy walks us through worship with our whole life and whole body, whether we are ready for God or not. And we do it together as a community. It’s not only a preparation for myself.

2. Look up. The concept of looking up is a bit hard because I usually picture God with me, beside me. But I get the idea is a posture of humility before a great, powerful, and awesome God. It’s a little like kneeling in prayer. It’s an expression of worship and reverence. I admit I find myself looking to the sky when I’m frustrated with God when He and I are “having words” (that’s usually me having words while He patiently listens). I actually wonder if I only look up in those times because I picture Him far away? But when all is well in my life, I picture Him there with me? Something to think about….perhaps I need to go back to Step 1…?

I will say this about the posture of looking “up” to God for guidance. It comes with the idea of the fear of God. For many years, the Fear of God was instilled into me like God is a monster. As in, I should be scared of Him because He could squash me like a bug and He’s ready to do so with just one misstep. Remember how God promised to bless the Israelites for obedience and cursing would come to them for disobedience? Well, just imagine that running in your head every time the “fear of God” is mentioned in the Bible? Not exactly a pretty picture. And why would we want to serve and worship this God anyway? Simply out of being scared of Him? Well, that invites worry, which is what God tell us not to do because He is with us. It’s a pretty vicious cycle…. Until….

As I was writing children’s curriculum a few years ago, I had to wrestle with this concept. You guys, sometimes I would wrestle with these concepts (especially some Old Testament ones) to the point of tears. (I cried for two weeks when I wrote a lesson on the Ten Commandments….just ask my husband.) This was one of those times. How in the world do you I teach the fear of the Lord to six year olds without inciting worry, the kind of worry that kept me up at night when I was that age?

Then, I thought about those moments when I see the power and wonder of God in full glory, the kind that brings me to my knees without being able to stop myself. I thought about crackling thunder during a rolling storm, and when I’m face to face with a lion at the zoo, who is only inches from my face with only glass as a separation. Those are the moments that make me shake with wonder and fear. Who is this God? Then I remembered this is the One by my side. He’s not the monster God waiting to strike me. He’s the One who promised protection. When I look to the sky to see a bright flash of lightning while driving home in a storm, that is my looking toward my God and remembering that strength—His strength—is a gift He promised me. I think I’ll try looking up a bit more this week, not just during the storms.

3. Look out. This is where I am able to do things with God’s strength and not only with Him but also with others—with my faith community. This is not just Jesus and other and you spells JOY. But I think this is relying on the gift of others—those we know are safe people—to help us see what God is doing in our lives and being able to share when we see Him working in others. This is me sitting with drinks at the bar (Bar Louie!) and laughing with a friend because we are remembering the joy that comes from life and then talking in hushed tones because we’re working through the crap of life together too. It’s knowing you are seen and heard and that happens by being with others. From those places—those safe places—we are able to go out and be a safe place for others as we live out who we are. Good friends who love God love us enough to say He’s made you this way and He wants nothing less for your life because He’s good. And we can bless them before they go out into the unsafe places again.

 Go in peace, friend. Know you are loved. Know you are seen.

Hands Full

I'm doing a Faith Challenge for work where they give me a prompt to reflect on each day for the next 30 days. I haven't written in so long that I thought I would share some of my journaling, as I feel I want, with you here. Here's Day 1...

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Sept 14

Reflect on how you will use His strength and guidance.

Philippians 4:13

What are your goals for this challenge? How will you become the best version of you in the next 30 days?

In The Message, Philippians 4:11–14 says:

I don’t have a sense of needing anything personally. I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. I don’t mean that your help didn’t mean a lot to me—it did. It was a beautiful thing that you came alongside me in my troubles.

I’ve been having trouble with contentment. My Sunday morning confessional prayer over and over is: God, I’m sorry I don’t trust you. When I’m discontent, I think He isn’t for me or with me. I start to try to make things happen on my own. As Brené Brown says, you can’t script a conversation. I think it’s a similar concept—I can't script my life. I shouldn’t script my life with all of my plans. Sometimes things just happen or as OneRepublic says, “there’s bullsh-t that don’t work out.” There is plenty that hasn’t worked out, at least in my timing. If I was 12 or even 16 looking at my life today, I would think I had it all—great husband, wonderful (3!) kids, and my dream job as an editor. Plus, we have a church we love. Talk about “hands full” (see above in Philippians). That’s it. I’m hands full. To the brim. I can’t even hear myself think to remember this is good, that my life is good. I’m bogged by the expectations of being a good mom and wife and employee. Those things feel so BIG.

But for as much as those things are big, God is bigger. His expectations of me are lower than my own and His love and care is bigger. I sometimes wonder if I’m the one taking care of my family, then who is taking care of me? This is why I’m tired and weak. When I’m weak, strangely, I take over more. I try harder. I’ve been working on not saying these phrases to myself: “I’m trying” and “I should…” because I know those are the times I’m about to take over my own life and put a burden upon myself. A burden that weakens me and makes me feel less than I am. I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am (Philippians 4:13, The Message).

My goals for this challenge are simply to write my thoughts each day. That is actually a huge step for me. When I write, I’m relying on the Holy Spirit to shake things loose and work in me. When I write, I’m actually giving up control. I’m becoming more of me when I let the words flow. And I haven’t been in this place in a long time. My friend Denise once started her blog with “Where have I been all my life?” I don’t want that to be my question when I’m nearing my last decades. But to even make it that far with wholehearted decades behind me, I need to write. Writing reminds me of who I am, what I have, and what God is doing through His strength and timing, not my own.

She Went Wahoo

Catherine Boyd: You took Albert Einstein for a ride on that thing?

Ed Walters: Sure.

Catherine Boyd: Well, don't ever do that again!

Ed Walters: Come on. He loved it. He went Wahoo.

Catherine Boyd: Wahoo?

Ed Walters: When's the last time he said Wahoo?

Catherine Boyd: Well, I'm sure I don't know.

Ed Walters: When's the last time *you* said Wahoo?
Catherine Boyd: Well, I'm *sure* I don't know.

                                          -I.Q. movie

Earlier this year we traded in my beloved SUV that was dying for a car. I have been a little unsure about this car. (I was unsure about the SUV at first too. I don’t like change, people!) We chose this kind car for the safety. I have to take large hills to work and this has AWD to get me where I need to go.

Beyond the practical, I admit it’s fun to drive. It has lots of gadgets, seat warmers, and a sunroof. Beside our home, it might be the loveliest thing we own.

But it’s hard for me to think of owning nice things. Isn’t being excited about tangible things a sin? Most days, when I get in the car, this is where my mind goes: It’s just a car, Becca. It takes you where you need to go.  Don’t be happy about it in any way.

Something happened to me last Friday though. I was coming home after working from Panera Bread, and I decided to open the sunroof all the way. I turned up the music and started singing at the top of my lungs. I was inches away from sticking my hand straight out of the sunroof at a stoplight. I sounded ridiculous, and I looked ridiculous (at least as it goes in my book).

The light turned green, and I hit the gas pedal. The engine revved, and I felt my heart swell. I heard the Voice. My God saying, “Drink deeply of the joy, my child.” Even now, thinking of that moment leaves me breathless.

I don't drink deeply.

I let fear, pride, and confusion wrestle joy out of me over and over. I don’t ever use the word happy. Ever. But some moments just lend themselves to happiness. It’s not meant to last forever but just. Enjoy. The moment.

Tell God "thank you." Kiss your loved ones. Throw your hands in the air and say, “Wahoo!” Sing Weezer’s “Pork and Beans” song at the top of your lungs. Move your hips side to side if you want to. That’s what Kyla did at two years old, when she heard a Weezer song.

God is not absent in these moments. He’s there too. Why can’t we picture Him smiling with us? He might even be singing along too. We know that He sings over us. Revel in His delight in your delight over His gifts and His presence.

This is all part of the abundant life. And it’s really not about the things. But it is about our acknowledgement that every good and perfect gift, whether it’s a need fulfilled or something just plain for the fun, is from God. It’s not earned. It’s given. We are beckoned to take and receive and rejoice.

A few months ago my brother posted a link about common wrong views people have about God. I said something under the article about how freeing the article is. Well, a woman who is an acquaintance of mine got on there and CAP LOCK YELLED at me. She hollered about how all we talk about is God’s love and what about His wrath and His justice? To which I replied that she was accusing us of focusing on a couple of God’s attributes while she was doing the same, and that of course God is so much more than that. The article wasn’t meant to be exhaustive related to who God is. More CAP LOCK YELLING ensued to the point where I was informed that God’s favor came upon Jesus at His baptism because of what He did when He was a child, not who He is as the Son.

I ended my side of the conversation then. And….commence closing laptop now.

Nope. God doesn’t gift us because of what we have done. He gives freely with no prerequisite and no expectation afterward. But when we see who He is, what He has done, we can’t help but worship and respond to Him out of those things. We even learn more about who we are and where He is working in our lives. He does all of this for us.

When He said, “Drink deeply” that morning, He loosed the chains on my heart. He set right the lies I believed. He brought the gift of joy and His truth to replace wrong beliefs. He put me at ease.

He has and is doing this in many other ways in my life. In broken places I never thought could be put back together this side of eternity. In ways I never, ever thought could happen.

Yet, here He is speaking. Loving, reveling in me and with me.

Our (parent church) pastor’s wife asks over and over, “Who gets to live like this?” She’s not asking this because her life is rosy. She’s asking because God has awakened her to His presence and His gifts in the midst of difficulties. I happen to know some of her difficulties. It’s not all sunshine and roses. But it is God giving joy and hope in dark, scary places.

This is the good news, friends. Eternal life—true, abundant life—is a gift and it starts now. Not when Jesus shows up again and “rewards” people for what they have (or have not) done. That is in the Bible but that’s not all we have. It’s not all we cling to in the day to day. We don’t have some day, some later time when we’re allowed to be happy. He’s not telling us to wait until the end of this age to actually enjoy something.

He’s giving us moments at stoplights. He’s giving us little baby giggles that piece my heart back together after loss. He’s giving us ooey-gooey, fat-filled s’mores, drives into the mountains, and moments of throwing our head back in an all-out belly laugh. (I once got shushed for laughing like that on a camping trip. Apparently, it wasn’t refined behavior for a godly woman.)

I’m going “wahoo.” I’m throwing my hands up and letting the Wind—the Spirit—blow past me on the open road.

When was the last time you went “wahoo?” Have you ever?

This is your permission. As a child of the One who gives “wahoos,” I want you to know you can take and drink deeply of His joy today. Who gets to live like this? We do.

Wear I Am

"Children raised in cults do not have any identity to return to when they leave. 'Trying on' different hair-dos, colors, and clothing is normal." -Elizabeth Esther

I turn left. Then right.

The door is less than an arms length away. I want to escape but the growing lump in my throat keeps me in my place. Maybe the emotions caught just below my chin will go away.

One more glance in the mirror and then a quick lift up of my heels.

I ask myself, Hmmm…with a cardigan?

A shake of my head and I look at the growing pile of rejections.

I trudge to the salesperson. Throat lump still there, I mutter, “These didn’t work.” I hold out the handful of hangers as walk to the door, eyeing the selection of shoes before escaping again.

I come home and set a bag from Ross and one from Target onto the kitchen floor.

“You found clothes?!” Jeff asks.

“I’m taking them all back except for a shirt,” I snap.

His face falls. “Okay. Why?”

My eyes fill with tears.

“I just don’t know how to dress.”

This same scenario has been happening for years.

I don’t know how to dress because I have been dressing like someone more than twice my age for two decades.

A quick glance of my old photo albums and you will spot a girl who dressed in long sleeves at summer camp.

You will see me in knee-length shorts that look like men’s dress shorts and a men’s large sized t-shirt. My favorite dress as a fifteen year old was denim, wide at the waist with gathers that helps it flare away from my body, not toward it. In truth, it looked like a maternity dress.

(Click photo to enlarge) Here I am at summer camp (on right). Similar style to my denim dress, only this one is head to toe floral. I look like a garden threw up on me. Also, I'm wearing pantihose under that dress. (Summer 1996)

Capris and Bermuda shorts weren’t in style in the 90s. If one of us happened to spot a knee-length set of shorts that looked even half-way cute, we all bought a pair. One summer it was a wide-legged set of overall shorts from Mervyn's. These were acceptable for camp, mission trips, and leading VBS. I was extra popular that summer because I spotted them first and let the other girls knew where to find them.

This is what I was taught is right. This is what I know.

It’s still my main mode. Over the years I‘ve been told I dress frumpy, plain, and boring. I have to work extra hard when I go shopping for clothes to find what is an expression of me that also fits my body shape. Most importantly, I have to tell myself over and over that it’s okay to even ask those questions. It’s enough to induce tears in the dressing room and a quick flee from the store.

My husband has been so good to me in this particular part of my journey. In fact I have a decent wardrobe now with enough things to put together. Only trouble is I can’t wear about half of them due to the arrival of our sweet baby boy this last year.

And with only half a wardrobe, I’m faced with the prospect of going back to those questions about what fits my (new) body shape and finding more items to express myself.

I begin again.

It’s enough to paralyze me.

In truth, I am a pretty practical lady. I do know that much about me. My favorite outfit of all outfits is a white shirt, jeans, brown shoes (sandals or boots, depending on the season). I have a cardigan obsession, which I’m pretty sure is a result of wanting to emulate the timeless look of fictional bookshop owner Kathleen Kelly. I also love scarves and hats.

As I think on these accessories, I wonder if they are not just practical but my attempts at trying convey myself within the confines of what I know is acceptable.

More layers? Yes, please. Are layers my choice of “armor” designed to protect me somehow? Probably.

But I don’t know any other way.

Adding to my confusion is the fact that I work in a creative environment. I can wear a t-shirt and jeans but I do like to dress up. I like to show what I’m capable of doing for the company by what I put on in the morning. I want to exude the confidence I have in my calling by what I wear when I walk through the doors.

I never thought I would be faced with all of this confusion in my thirties but it’s a pretty crazy mixture at this point. For all the soul-searching I’ve done since escaping fundamentalism and the strong beliefs I have about courage, this area of how to dress pierces me and weakens my confidence in no time.

Turn left. Turn right. Which way is me? I don’t know.

I’m stepping out again this summer. Trying not to run for the exit too soon. Sometime this month, I’m taking a friend with me to go shopping. She’s going to help me. I showed her my “Fashionista” board on Pinterest and she seems to think I do have a particular style.

We’re going to try to find it in a store.

I’m not going to give up. It just may help to have someone with me to block the dressing room door and say, “Try again, Becca. Try again. It’s okay.”