Saturday, April 21, 2012

Coming Untied

“I’m in the mood where I come all untied.” –Wakey Wakey, War Sweater

I can feel myself unraveling, coming untied. Wrestling with more than one struggle at the same time. Monsters that won’t stop.

I write to work things out. I write to remember the Holy Spirit is there. I write because I can’t help it. I lie awake at night wondering what God has for our lives. I wonder why we went to seminary sometimes. I wonder if that decision was the result of some strange indigestion. Like the aftermath of bad Chinese food for three years straight.

I get up and ask what The Church needs and how I can live in to my gifts and why, oh why, can’t my passions just be within the realm of acceptable actions for someone who is a young mom? I wonder why the church has adopted marketing and consumerism. So similar to the rest of the way we live our lives that most people don’t even know it’s there when they enter the room with the pews.

I don’t want to be cynical, as so many are. I just want to be obedient.

Apparently that means not sitting still. Or rather sitting still in the mess?

I’m choosing to ask the questions and let them be there. The guilt and the shame are the results of not fitting in. But then, I guess I never really have. Because I’ve secretly felt these questions for a long, long time.

I’m exploring what it might mean to be a spiritual director. Maybe even an ordained deacon someday. I identify with women who are saying they think God made them wrong because they love to preach and that well-behaved women won’t change the church. They are saying what I’ve never felt I could.

My husband bought books about women and ministry for a school assignment. He chose the topic. I told him it was my issue to wrestle with but he’s choosing to wrestle with it too. And I love him for that. I love him for sitting in the unraveling mess with me.

I’m coming untied.

It’s okay.

I'm ready to be undone.


Heather said...

You might just be one of those party favor delights that as you unravel reveals little charms and surprises. I didn't want to call you a trinket ball, or a party ball. I don't know why I'm continuing to type. I'm not helping. ...
You go girl. Keep writing and grappling. Yes, that's what I meant.

Tara Owens said...

It is okay to come undone. And I say once again that you would made a wonderful, deep, delightful spiritual director.

You are incredible.

Keep coming undone. He is the one who knows how to ravel and unravel.

Maidenheart said...

Hi Sweet Becca- it's me, your old Focus friend, Liz! Been reading your posts- love them. So real and raw. You have such a beautiful and honest soul, and this shines through... Keep writing- you're inspiring me! Love you and miss you!

Becca said...

Liz!!! Thanks for your sweet comments about my writing. It's good to hear from you. I still miss our FOF lunches together.

David R said...

Have you read "The Making Of Evangelicalism"? It talks about one of the 4 major shifts of Evangelicalism as moving away from the sovereignty of God to this "we have to do this our selves" mentality. This was pushed by Charles Finney (1792-1875). With this came a felt need to advertise for revival meetings. This started the rut that we have yet to get out of. Great thoughts!!!